Rendezvous with my self..

Last Friday was the first time I went pub hopping, got super sloshed (over 3 glasses of wine and a margarita) and stepped into that fuzzy  world of happy giggling-over-nothing and stupid non-stop-talking. But, know what? In spite of the madness, I was perfectly conscious of what I was talking or doing..err.just that I wasn’t able to stop. H saved himself for the drive back, as soon as he saw me going overboard. (I am proud of you my dear )

Anyway, When we finally made it home at 3 AM next day, I remember H walking me back to the house totally ignoring my clever suggestions to spend the night in the car because it was warm there..and walking to the house was cold.

It took only a couple of minutes inside the house when I realized the fuzzy happiness was all churning inside and demanded to come out immediately. I made a quick run to the bathroom to let it all out into the sink ( Yuckk! That one was a first time too..not really proud of it). Reality had still not hit but I couldn’t stand the mess and started cleaning up. Though H tried, he wasn’t able to lure me to go and sleep! I crashed only when I had done my cleaning job as best as I could in that drunken state

That much of a prelude to come to this point – Waking up to an unclean sink in the morning is not my only pet peeve. There is quite a list. Take a look

- Have to be reading something as I do my ‘long business’ in the restroom. If nothing, I should read at least the labels and ingredients on the shampoo bottle lying nearby.

- Need to have the bathtub absolutely free of any hair residuals. I will end up taking shower with closed eyes if its not my house and I can’t clean that tub.

- It is absolutely necessary that I delete any spam message on my personal email accounts as soon as I see it, that instant. Ditto with the server notification emails on my office account.

- Sleep on the right side of the bed always. H can crib or cry, he is not having that side. Sorry honey!

- The bedroom door has to closed when I go to bed. Doesn’t matter if its only me and H in the whole house and the front door is locked.

- Once you step out of the house, coming back to get anything forgotten, brings bad luck. So, sit down, at least for a microsecond before going out again. Amma used to say that and follow sincerely. I find that reasoning funny, but can’t stop doing it anyways!

- Unless there are any kids playing and dragging things around, the living room should have every single piece of furniture in its allotted place. If H needs to get me all worked up, he just needs to shift the chairs a little or move the table a bit out of angle..and watch the fun.

- Kitchen needs to be totally under my control, when I cook. You take over and do the full job if you like. But, please don’t offer help. I might not sound exactly polite when I say “Stop! I’ll manage on my own. Thanks.”

- All doors on the kitchen cabinet need to remain closed while not in use. Leaving them partially open, for any reason, just won’t do at all.

- Pray for at least a few minutes everyday and make sure that includes wishing for happiness and peace for everyone in the world. God might otherwise assume I am really selfish to ask favors for me and my people only no?

Your turn now. Leave a comment or take this up as a tag. Tell me your list of pet peeves.

Oh, come on now, everyone has some of it right?…..right?    

* looks worried when there’s no answer *

I am bleeding my baby into a sanitary pad..as I type..

It does not seem to stop.

But my tears have stopped. I am unable to cry anymore.

My eyes hurt..and so does the tummy..empty now.

They said it was nature’s way of getting rid of an imperfect conception. They said it’s not uncommon.They said I will be alright soon.They said all happens for good.

I hear them, but nothing makes sense.

All of you wonderful people who wished me well, I am so thankful to every one of you.

I am sorry…sorry that it ended like this..sorry that I could not help it..sorry that I was too happy too soon..sorry that I lost something even before having it..

My dearest little Baby,

Mamma is very much worried over you. She has been having small drops of blood spotting recently and went to the doc for an ultrasound yesterday. She wanted to make sure you are okay inside and developing fine.

On the computer screen, that image showed a small coin shaped sac..your sac. But, the image did not show you. I am sure you were somewhere there, but neither me nor the doctor or your dadda could find you in there.

Where were you hiding baby?

The doctor finally said it is too early and that you were way too tiny to show up on the image. She also said, it’s either that or …or you might have left me without informing.

I know that cannot happen. I know you cannot just leave like that. I know you won’t. ..will you?

Mamma is very scared for you baby…and worries for you every single waking minute. Your dadda has been really supportive though. He keeps talking nice things to calm me down and assures me that all is going to be well. He thinks that I need to be optimistic and have positive thoughts, especially for your good. I agree with him and love him for that, but the worry doesn’t seem to leave me easily.

I have been asked to come for another ultrasound in 2 weeks, to see if you show up in that sac..to see if you were just hiding.

So, hear me out dear baby. Don’t scare mamma. Don’t hide, don’t be shy. Show up bright and glowing on that image on the computer screen next time. Okay?

In love with you already,
Your Mamma

———————

P.S : Dear friends out there..please keep us in your positive thoughts and well wishes. I need them very badly.

Last Friday, the 3rd of April, 2009 at around 8:30 in the morning, the Digital Test Stick I peed on, showed me this :

Yes, Yes, That’s right people!

I AM PREGNANT!

I can’t seem to stop saying and thinking of that moment ever since!

The blood test from the doctor’s lab showed up with a ‘POSITIVE’ soon after.

So, its official…I have a tiny little life happening inside me right this moment, as I type!
Uh…I so can’t believe it yet..really. I have been just constantly reminding myself and feeling overwhelmingly happy every single time

Now, here is the story, if you want to know:

It all started in April 2008 when my craving to have a baby took over and I seriously started thinking of having one.We both were within our reproductive age limits, we were married for more than 3 years and spent all that time together doing every single thing we loved to do – travelling being the most favorite.

From Himalayas to Kerala/Kanyakumari in India; from Newyork to California in the US, we had done all the travelling we could.To top it all, our biggest travel wish – Touring across Europe, was coming true in a few days. The tickets were ready, bags packed and the spirits high.

I discussed my mind with H and finally asked “Why not make a baby in Switzerland, while we are there?”. He was taken aback at first, to see I had thought through it so much. But, as expected from any husbands (??), he threw my request out the window saying, “Do you even realize how big that thought is? Not a joke, babe. We are all set for our BIG trip in a few days. Don’t get me all worried over this now. Let’s just have fun, okay?”

I brought it up at least 2 more times during the trip, one time being ..err..right during the ‘moment’ on our soft cozy bed in our hotel room while in Switzerland. He used the condom anyways. Sigh!.

It took me 5 months to slowly and scrupulously make him think in my terms. One evening when his cousin/best friend announced their ‘good news’, he cheered for them heartily. But, I could see he was deep in thoughts that night. He was taking his time to get there.

A couple of days later, over a cup of tea, I asked “We should plan some exciting trip next. It’s been a while since the last one, na?”
And, he said ” No more long distance travel for sometime now.”

“And, why so? ” I questioned.

“Because, you need to take good care of yourself babe. We want to have a baby right?”

I smiled. He had finally gotten there

Starting that day, I hit Google with a thousand queries everyday – ‘trying to conceive’, ‘most fertile days’, ‘ovulation calendar’, ‘ dos and don’ts for couples trying to conceive’…and many many more. I devoured all info on every article and every forum I chanced upon.

With enough online knowledge up our sleeves, we set out on making a baby that month ( hehe, loved saying that). It was September 2008.

The process is so much fun, its orgasmic! Okay, that was a poor joke. But, we did enjoy it every bit From kinky clothes to candle light..from sweet talk to rough fights, I think we got pretty innovate with things. Moreover, you got to get a little creative when you need to have sex every single day for weeks , Don’t cha?

However, with every passing month, when my ‘Aunt Flow’ kept coming right at the precise date, we got bit worried. Once we completed 6 months of trying with no success, I took an appointment with my gynaec. She almost laughed and said it was too early for us to get worried. On an average only 80% of the ‘normal couples’ conceive in the first year of trying. And since I am well within the 30 year age limit, I should not even bother about the results until at least one year. She sent us home with a pat on the back and cheering ” Just have fun, no worries!”

In a couple of weeks, our India trip happened, as planned. During the one month there, I didn’t think our ‘efforts’ would be fruitful. A baby that could not be made in 6 months in a place with a perfect lifestyle, healthy diet, clean air and pure water, how would you expect to make it in 1 month in a place where every single day is insanely hectic, roads horribly polluted and overcrowded?

But hey, miracles do happen

May be it was Amma’s hand cooked meals, maybe the joy and content you feel while in presence of your family , maybe all the good vibes from visiting temples, maybe the good wishes from the loved ones or maybe just the combination of all these and more! This baby is definitely ‘Made in India’

I am five and a half weeks now. Too early to tell out the news? Hell, who cares. I am super excited and want to share it with you all anyway!

We broke the news to our parents together, on a video conference the other day. Words can’t describe how happy they were. My mom almost hugged the video camera

I have no symptoms (nausea, back pain or any such thing *Touch wood* ). But for the occasional craving to eat something tangy, I hardly feel pregnant!

Pray for me a little, you guys. Pray that this tiny life inside me stays put for the entire 9 months and makes it safely to this beautiful world, healthy and happy.

[Note: Have uploaded pics from the India trip on the post below, as promised.]

Feels good to be back!..back to the calm and normalcy of living.

I say that because of those super eventful 4 weeks spent in India.
Every single day was planned to its very minute – Where to go, whom to visit, what to do, how to commute. Phew!

The First 10 days in H’s place were really tight packed with activities, to say the least.Two family functions, the preparations, the trips to meet half a dozen uncles and aunts and of course the overwhelming amount of shopping.

Given the summer heat in Chennai, I am glad we survived the entire thing to be back safe

On the other hand, the opportunities to show off my colorful ethnic wears, the delicious spicy food ( which we devoured like hungry pigs), the heart warming good wishes and blessings we received from so many elders during the functions – made up for it.

The next one week spent at my home was the best part of the entire trip. Duh! That’s expected of you to say, you say? Well, not just me, H agrees to that too. Hmmm..Glancing back at that one week, the most I recall is -

Eating 

Lots and lots of chatting with Amma

Eating

Running around clicking pictures and smelling flowers in my garden

Eating

Silly arguments with Appa

Eating

Irritating poor bro trying hard to agitate him ( how does he remain so calm with a character like me??)

Eating

Visiting cousins, uncles and aunts nearby

Eating

Playing in the gushing river waters ( absolutely loved it!)

Eating

Shopping in the little old stores for insignificant things

And..

Eating, of course.

Amma took the week off to cook all my favorite dishes..and she delivered it like a mission! Breakfast- Lunch- Snacks- Dinner. Breakfast- Lunch- Snacks- Dinner. Repeat. Nothing I said/did could stop her anyways. Thanks Amma, You are the Bestest!!

The last few days in Bangalore were super hectic, but fun all the while. Met at least a dozen bunch of friends for lunch or dinner. There was lots of chatting up and laughing. Bangalore still remains my favorite city, but could have done without that killing traffic jams and dust. Arrrgh! Everybody who talks of Bangalore plays this same old tune these days, no? When will the stupid government wake up from the slumber??

All plans well executed and a happy trip overall, I should say.

But, yes, feels good to be back. Known usualness and mental calm is much deserved sometimes

Edited to Add: Some pics from the trip, as promised :

The blossoming flowers on the White Jambu I planted in my Garden, while in school

My new little furry friend at an uncle's place.

Tenderly young Cashews in Uncle's plantation

Anthorium imparts a message of love..look carefully

Cocoa tree with pods at an aunt's place. These are where our chocolates come from!

A visit to Payaswini river with my aunt. What good times!

Wild cherries..spent much time collecting them.They are unbelievably sweet!