The Preggo Points

At 4 months and a week now, I jotted down things that pregnancy has brought me. When does a smile come in and when does a cringe happen. Here goes:

——————————

Smile

- Hubby waking me up with a kiss on the forehead followed by another on the tummy.

- Hubby actually remembering (without reminders!) and making me hot chocolate in  the morning, cutting and packing fruits for lunch dessert, lovingly hiding cookies and other snacks in my carry bag for office hungry hours.

- The extra attention from friends and cousins. Expected to do the least and pampered the most – bliss!

- The wide range of maternity clothing options and a long day of shopping for them in the mall.

- An impromptu visit to the Ice cream shop late in the night for a  No-Guilt-Ice-Cream-loaded-with-chocolate-chips-and-roasted-nuts. What calories?  The doc wants me to have lotsa milk products, fruits and nuts

- Appa Amma and the in-laws checking on me every day and reminding Hubby to be nice to me…every single time! Hehehe.

- The caring enquiries about what I am craving for and actually having some of  them cooked and brought home by awesome friends and relatives here.

- Telling out to an unsuspecting (or so I think) acquaintance or colleague that ‘I am having a baby!’ and watching their face bloom into a happy smile followed by a hearty hug.

- Just lying down on the bed and softly moving my hands over the bulging tummy and imaging what s/he is up to

——————————

Cringe

- Waking up every morning feeling heavier than the day before.

- Mid night trips to the loo. The bladder wins over sleepy eyes and tired head, every single time. Arrgh!

- Frequent throbbing head aches which are manageable, but annoying nevertheless.  They don’t need a reason nor an invitation (of course!).

- Dressing up ( to the office, a casual get together or a grand party ) means sitting and staring at those nice looking ‘before’ clothes in the wardrobe and  feeling depressed at how big you have gotten for any of them now. Sigh!

- The sex, or the lack of it The first 3 months was a total dry spell, thanks to  the doc who wanted us to ‘take it easy’ because she saw some unexpected fluid outside the sac in my uterus. It’s well over the 4th month now and we have had interesting nights for not more than 2 times hence. What is with the hubby acting with all care and affection in bed when I would really appreciate some love and action!

- The hands-tied-down feeling when I am not able to go dandia dancing on navarathri nights, go river rafting on a weekend trip, go biking or running when I  feel like it, go on any more adventurous vacation for some time to come. I know, I  can still take up any/all of these. Many do. But, my history with pregnancy added with the paranoid advices and suggestions from everybody who cares, has actually  tied me up. I stay satisfied with long walks, leisurely non adventure trips,  some lucky days at the riverside strolling barefoot on the wet pebbles.

- Enquiring and advising is all fine. But, I really DO NOT want unsolicited suggestions and tips from few of those nosy women who think they are the gurus of it all  since they have had one or two kids. Each woman is different and please understand  that I cannot be you and do exactly what you ate, said or did.

- My list of food cravings is short, very short. The first line says ‘Fruits’,  second says ‘Any dish tangy and spicy’ and the last line ( in big bold letters)  says ‘Amma’s hand cooked meals’. Enough said. I miss my Amma ( yes Appa too) so very much….come to me soooooon

- The thought of the D-day when I will go into labor..the hysterical pain, the crying. I can almost imagine it and tears of fear swell up. Billions have gone through it, so what big deal with me now, you ask? I have not been in any of their shoes and have only heard stories from people…in fact witnessed one closely.My daily prayers involve pleading to the Gods to make it all right..give me enough strength for a safe and normal delivery.Enough strength to look at my baby and hold it close with a smile..before passing out from exhaustion maybe

——————————

I realize that the pluses totally outweigh the minuses when it comes to the final result. I can’t wait to hold that warm little wrapped bundle in my arms with two rosy cheeks and a pair of twinkling eyes peeping out curiously

By the way, Happy Dussehra to all those who celebrate. Be good and have fun!

Will bring you latest updates from the doc’s room in a few weeks. Maybe.. just maybe… I will have an announcement – BOY or GIRL !

Watch this space

At 4 months and a week now, I jotted down things that pregnancy has brought me. When does a smile come in and when does a cringe happen. Here goes:

——————————

Smile

- Hubby waking me up with a kiss on the forehead followed by another on the tummy.

- Hubby actually remembering (without reminders!) and making me hot milk chocolate in  the morning, fruits cut and packed for lunch dessert, cookies and other snacks lovingly packed and hidden in my carry bag for office hungry hours.

- The extra attention I receive from friends and cousins. Expected to do the least and pampered the most – bliss!

- The wide range of maternity clothing options and a long day of shopping for them in the mall.

- An impromptu visit to the Ice cream shop late in the night for a  No-Guilt-Ice-Cream-loaded-with-chocolate-chips-and-roasted-nuts. What calories?  The doc wants me to have lotsa milk products, fruits and nuts

- Appa Amma and the in-laws checking on me every day and reminding Hubby to be nice to me…every single time! Hehehe.

- The caring enquiries about what I am craving for and actually having some of  them cooked and brought home by awesome friends and relatives here.

- Telling out to an unsuspecting ( or so I think) acquaintance or colleague that  ’I am having a baby!’. and watching their face bloom into a happy smile followed by a hearty hug.

- Just lying down on the bed and softly moving my hands over the bulging tummy and imaging what s/he is up to

———————–

Cringe

- Waking up every morning feeling heavier than the day before.

- Mid night trips to the loo. The bladder wins over sleepy eyes and tired head, every single time. Arrgh!

- Frequent throbbing head aches which are manageable, but annoying nevertheless.  They don’t need a reason nor an invitation (of course!).

- Dressing up ( to the office, a casual get together or a grand party ) means sitting and staring at those nice looking ‘before’ clothes in the wardrobe and  feeling depressed at how big you have gotten for any of them now. Sigh!

- The sex, or the lack of it The first 3 months was a total dry spell, thanks to  the doc who wanted us to ‘take it easy’ because she saw some unexpected fluid outside the sac in my uterus. It’s well over the 4th month now and we have had interesting nights for not more than 2 times hence. What is with the hubby acting with all care and affection in bed when I would really appreciate some love and action!

- The hands-tied-down feeling when I am not able to go dandia dancing on navarathri nights, go river rafting on a weekend trip, go biking or running when I  feel like it, go on any more adventurous vacation for some time to come. I know, I  can still take up any/all of these. Many do. But, my history with pregnancy added with the paranoid advices and suggestions from everybody who cares, has actually  tied me up. I stay satisfied with long walks, leisurely non adventure trips,  some lucky days at the riverside strolling barefoot on the wet pebbles.

- Enquiring and advising is all fine. But, I really DO NOT want unsolicited  suggestions and tips from those few women who think they are the gurus of it all  since they have had one or two kids. Each woman is different and please understand  that I cannot be you and do exactly what you ate, said or did.

- My list of food cravings is short, very short. The first line says ‘fruits’,  second says ‘any dish tangy and spicy’ and the last line ( in big bold letters)  says ‘Amma’s hand cooked meals’. Enough said. I miss my Amma ( yes Appa too) so  very much….come to me soooooon

- The thought of the D-day when I will go into labor..the hysterical pain, the  crying. I can almost imagine it and tears of fear swell up. Billions have gone through it, so what big deal with me now? I have not been in any of their shoes and have only heard stories from people…in fact witnessed one closely.My daily prayers involve pleading to the Gods to make it all right….give me enough strength for a safe and normal delivery. Enough strength to look at my baby and hold it close with a smile..before passing out

———————

I realize that the pluses totally outweigh the minuses when it comes to the final result. I can’t wait to hold that warm little bundle in my arms with two rosy cheeks and a pair of twinkling eyes peeping out curiously

By the way, Happy Dussehra to all those who celebrate. Be good and have fun!

Will bring you latest updates from the doc’s room in a few weeks. Maybe.. just maybe… I will have an announcement – BOY or GIRL !

Watch this space

 

Weaker Sex

Lunch break conversation in the cafeteria:

Me: So, what do you have for breakfast?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Parathey

Me: Daily?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Yes, my wife wakes up early and makes them for me everyday.

Me: Wow!!

DesiColleagueGuy2: Why do you act so shocked? His wife is just being a good  ’Bharatiya Naari’.

Me: What? Why do you label it that? Who set the benchmark for a Bharatiya Naari ?

DesiColleagueGuy2:Now don’t act all non-feminist. I just spoke fact.

Me: Firstly, it is ‘feminist’ and not ‘non’.Do you even know what it means?

DesiColleagueGuy2: Whatever..

Me: The ‘Bharatiya Naari’ and its specifications all came from men.

DesiColleagueGuy2: So what?

Me: If women were given a chance they would change the definition of Bharatiya Naari, am sure.

DesiColleagueGuy2: Haha, who stopped them?

Me: Now, don’t get me started man,. From time immemorial women have been treated inferior by men. Mostly because men are physically stronger.

DesiColleagueGuy1: How can you say that? I think it is more to do with mental  strength and intelligence.

Me: And how is that?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Look, if women had enough mental strength and smartness to break the rules and go ahead, they would have! No man could have stopped them.

Me: You mean women were treated inferior because they were less smarter than men?

DesiColleagueGuy2: Of course! We even have a saying in my native language for that. Translates to say “smartness of a woman is lesser than the sole of her feet”

Me: Wha..???

DesiColleagueGuy1: So, it has all to do with mental abilities ..and why men claimed superiority

Me: Huh? I will never accept women are any lesser than men when it comes to brains. I think it all started with physical differences. Men kept women subdued because  they were the weaker of the sexes, physically. Since the age old days, men were the ones who built countries and formed laws.Women were hardly in picture!

DesiColleagueGuy1: Ah…Why were they not in picture? Because they  were not smart enough.

Me: You don’t get my point!

DesiColleagueGuy2: All this argument because you don’t make paratheys for your husband every morning? Hahaha

Me: #%^&*)%%^&*(@$%% !!

Either my route to the argument was wrong or those two MCP’s were just not getting it.

What do you think? For centuries, women were treated inferior by men. Things have changed/are changing for the better now..but how did it all start?

Was it physical differences or was there something else to it?

Lunch break conversation in the cafeteria:

—————————————————————-

Me: So, what do you have for breakfast usually?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Parathey

Me: Daily?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Yes, my wife wakes up early and makes them for me everyday.

Me: Wow!!

DesiColleagueGuy2:  Why do you act so shocked? His wife is just being a good  ’Bharatiya Naari’.

Me: What? Why do you label it that? Who set the benchmark for a Bharatiya Naari ?

DesiColleagueGuy2: Now don’t act all non-feminist. I just spoke fact.

Me: Firstly, it is ‘feminist’ without a ”non’. Do you even know what it means?

DesiColleagueGuy2: Whatever..

Me: The ‘Bharatiya Naari’ and its specifications all came from men.

DesiColleagueGuy2: So what?

Me: If women were given a chance they would change the definition of Bharatiya Naari, am sure.

DesiColleagueGuy2: Haha, who stopped them?

Me: Now, don’t get me started man.. .from time immemorial women have been treated inferior by men. Mostly because men are physically stronger.

DesiColleagueGuy1: How can you say that? I think it is more to do with mental  strength and intelligence.

Me: And how is that?

DesiColleagueGuy1: Look, if women had enough mental strength and smartness to break the rules and go ahead, they would have! No man could have stopped them.

Me: You mean women were treated low because they were not as smart as men?

DesiColleagueGuy2: Of course! We even have a saying in my native language which translates to say “smartness of a woman is lesser than the sole of her feet” Hehe.

Me: Wha..???

DesiColleagueGuy1: So, it has all to do with mental abilities ..and why men claimed superiority

Me: Huh? I will never accept women are any lesser than men when it comes to brains. I think it all started with physical differences. Men kept women subdued because  they were the weaker of the sexes, physically. Since the age old days, men were the ones who built countries and formed laws.Women were hardly in picture!

DesiColleagueGuy1: Ah…Why were they not in picture? Because they  were not smart enough.

Me: You don’t get my point!

DesiColleagueGuy2: All this argument because you don’t make paratheys for your husband every morning? Hahaha

Me: #%^&*)%%^&*(@$%%

————————————————–

Either my route to the argument was not strong enough or those two MCP’s were just not getting it.

What do you think?  Bharatiya or not, for centuries, women were treated inferior by men. Things have changed/are changing for the better now..but how did it all start?

Was it physical differences or was there something else to it?

 

Watching TV is all I do!

It is a lazy Sunday noon and she is browsing through the channels on TV. She soon finds something interesting and starts watching it .

He comes by and sees his wife busy staring at the idiot box and says “Am going out to finish some errands. See you in a while.”

She mumbles a soft “Okay dear, Bye, Drive safe” and continues to do what she was doing.

After about 15 minutes, she switches off the TV, gets up and ties up her hair into a ponytail.

The laundry bags are full, she carries them out to the washing machines, loads and let that run.

She collects the filled up trash bags from the kitchen and then the bathroom, walks out to the main trash area and disposes them.

The sink in the kitchen is half full with dirty dishes, she clears it into the dishwasher. A bunch of vessels are greasy and she patiently scrubs and rinses them to look shiny again.

She remembers there was a raw green mango in the fridge and prepares a spicy chutney out of it. She is happy with the result and decides to pack it for their lunch next day with some Idlis.

‘The laundry must be done’, she thinks and goes out to collect it. On the way she notices that the shoe rack is untidy. All that is set right in a few minutes.

She comes back with fresh smelling clean laundry and carefully folds the big load of clothes one by one. Shirts, trousers, skirts, tops , undies and socks all go to their respective shelves in the cupboard.

The plants in the patio look thirsty and she lovingly pours some water for them to liven up again.

By now, she feels thirsty herself and makes two cups of tea with cardamom and ginger. Just the way her husband likes it. She keeps one aside for him and slowly sips hers.

She casually picks up the remote and rests her tired back on the couch and browses through the TV channels.

She soon finds something interesting and starts watching it .

He comes in and sees his wife busy staring at the idiot box and says “You sit in front of the TV all day. Why not get up and do something?”

She throws a puzzled look at him ..  ”Huh?!!!!!!!!”

 

Yes, that’s another example of how my work goes royally unnoticed every single time. I just sit and watch TV all day, you see.

Iis a lazy Sunday noon and she is browsing through the channels on TV. She soon finds something interesting and starts watching it .

He comes by and sees his wife busy watching the idiot box and says “Am going out to finish some errands. See you in a while.”

She mumbles a soft “Okay dear, Bye, Drive safe” and continues to do what she was doing.

After about 15 minutes, she switches off the TV, gets up and ties up her hair into a ponytail.

The laundry bags are full, she carries them out to the washing machines, loads and let that run.

She collects the filled up trash bags from the kitchen and then the bathroom, walks out to the main trash area and disposes them.

The sink in the kitchen is half full with dirty dishes, she clears it into the dishwasher. A bunch of vessels are greasy and she patiently scrubs and rinses them to look shiny again.

She remembers there was a raw green mango in the fridge and prepares a spicy chutney out of it. She is happy with the result and decides to pack it for their lunch next day with some Idlis.

‘The laundry must be done’, she thinks and goes out to collect it. On the way she notices that the shoe rack is untidy. All that is set right in a few minutes.

She comes back with fresh smelling clean laundry and carefully folds the big load of clothes one by one. Shirts, trousers, skirts, tops , undies and socks all go to their respective shelves in the cupboard.

The plants in the patio look thirsty and she lovingly pours some water for them to liven up again.

By now, she feels thirsty herself and makes two cups of tea with cardamom and ginger. Just the way her husband likes it. She keeps one aside for him and slowly sips hers.

She casually picks up the remote and rests her tired back on the couch and browses through the TV channels.

She soon finds something interesting and starts watching it .

He comes in and sees his wife busy watching the idiot box and says “You sit in front of the TV all day. Why not get up and do something?”

!!!!!!!!

Yes, that’s another example of how my work goes royally unnoticed every time. I just sit and watch TV all the time, you see. 

 

Me back :)

Feels good to be back!..back to the calm and normalcy of living.

I say that because of those super eventful 4 weeks spent in India.
Every single day was planned to its very minute – Where to go, whom to visit, what to do, how to commute. Phew!

The First 10 days in H’s place were really tight packed with activities, to say the least.Two family functions, the preparations, the trips to meet half a dozen uncles and aunts and of course the overwhelming amount of shopping.

Given the summer heat in Chennai, I am glad we survived the entire thing to be back safe

On the other hand, the opportunities to show off my colorful ethnic wears, the delicious spicy food ( which we devoured like hungry pigs), the heart warming good wishes and blessings we received from so many elders during the functions – made up for it.

The next one week spent at my home was the best part of the entire trip. Duh! That’s expected of you to say, you say? Well, not just me, H agrees to that too. Hmmm..Glancing back at that one week, the most I recall is -

Eating 

Lots and lots of chatting with Amma

Eating

Running around clicking pictures and smelling flowers in my garden

Eating

Silly arguments with Appa

Eating

Irritating poor bro trying hard to agitate him ( how does he remain so calm with a character like me??)

Eating

Visiting cousins, uncles and aunts nearby

Eating

Playing in the gushing river waters ( absolutely loved it!)

Eating

Shopping in the little old stores for insignificant things

And..

Eating, of course.

Amma took the week off to cook all my favorite dishes..and she delivered it like a mission! Breakfast- Lunch- Snacks- Dinner. Breakfast- Lunch- Snacks- Dinner. Repeat. Nothing I said/did could stop her anyways. Thanks Amma, You are the Bestest!!

The last few days in Bangalore were super hectic, but fun all the while. Met at least a dozen bunch of friends for lunch or dinner. There was lots of chatting up and laughing. Bangalore still remains my favorite city, but could have done without that killing traffic jams and dust. Arrrgh! Everybody who talks of Bangalore plays this same old tune these days, no? When will the stupid government wake up from the slumber??

All plans well executed and a happy trip overall, I should say.

But, yes, feels good to be back. Known usualness and mental calm is much deserved sometimes

Edited to Add: Some pics from the trip, as promised :

The blossoming flowers on the White Jambu I planted in my Garden, while in school

My new little furry friend at an uncle's place.

Tenderly young Cashews in Uncle's plantation

Anthorium imparts a message of love..look carefully

Cocoa tree with pods at an aunt's place. These are where our chocolates come from!

A visit to Payaswini river with my aunt. What good times!

Wild cherries..spent much time collecting them.They are unbelievably sweet!

 

And the Oscar goes to..

What a night it was! What a great moment!

ARR, you did it!.. and you deserved it, long long back.

A R Rahman wins 2 Oscars for the Best Original Score and Best original Song in Slumdog Millionaire

Deep down, we knew this was coming..it had to, one day or the other.

From your soothing sweet ‘Roja’ to your teasing zippy ‘Masakkali’,  I have always been your fan. 

Hell, I can’t recall one person I know, who doesn’t agree that you are brilliant.

Though I rooted for “O Saya” to win the Oscar for your nomination, the song did not even matter when they announced your name on stage in front of world audience!

Wish you many more of these moments..many more for us to cheer for you, bearing joyous tears.

Hat’s off to you maestro !

—————————

 

Note: Flying to India in a couple of days..for a month long vacation! One week of Office work does not count there, does it?

Will be seeing my parents , my dear brother and several other loved ones, after almost 2 years now.

We have been doing a lot of good to the economy lately  Have been buying like crazy .. gifts  for everyone we know back home..and some more  

While it might be difficult to post here while there, I will definitely make efforts . But hey, am not one to miss any chance to come over and catch your updates . 

Adios now, take care and be safe you all.

See you back soon.

 

Beliefs, this and that.

I had plans to write down a fun list of things that has been happening with me in recent times.As I biked on the trail bearing the cold evening wind and smiling at the big bright moon above me yesterday, I made a mental note of all that I was going to jot down here.

But, I woke up to a strange day today.

No smile in return to my smile when I woke up, no ‘Good Morning’ hug, not even a word from H.

I knew the reason why, so let it pass. He is taking his time, but will be back to me soon..I thought.

Like any normal morning, on a working day, I got busy packing lunch for both of us while H went into the bathroom to shower. In some time, I heard him come out and get ready for office.

As I stood there, in the kitchen, very sure about H coming in to pick up his lunch and say bye, I heard the main door bang shut. I continued to stand there, fidgeting with the things on the kitchen counter, still assuming that he went out for something and will be back..to pick up his lunch and say bye.

I might have stood there for about 10 minutes before coming out to the living room and finding out his laptop bag gone. So, were his shoes and the car outside. All gone.

He had left..without a word.

Never happened before.

It started yesterday night when we went to this couples place ( Sh the wife and Mh the husband) for dinner.They are H’s distant relatives too.

Sh and Mh are one of the most open minded and liberal people I have known. From ideas for a better socio economic society to dealing with annoying people in the family, their perspective has mostly left me nodding my head and thinking ‘Wow! they should blog!’ (Yeah, I checked, they didn’t. Hmmmph.)

So, after dinner all 4 of us sat down with some really delicious Rasmalai, talking over general matters, when this sensitive topic came up.

Me and H have always had difference of opinion about how far can one go with religious beliefs. Yes, we both are hindus, still.

I am of the opinion that each have their own standards of being religious.

One might want to wake up at 4 AM in the morning and climb up 1000 steps up the hill and pray to feel connected to God.
While some others might just feel equally connected just by sitting at home and chanting a few mantras with devotion.

One might feel that falling at the feet of all the ‘holy’ men and accepting their ‘holy’ prasadam is one way to salvation.
While some others might detest the same, and think there need not be any mediators between you and God. Not holy men.

One might believe that donating generously to temples is the best way to support the betterment of society, indirectly.
While some others might believe direct donations for the betterment of poor and needy is the only way to go.

If you have not guessed yet, the latter are my type of people. H belongs to the former group of believers.

I was caught in the heat of the moment and proved to the crowd how H belongs to the old school of thought and has forced me into it, many times, without my consent. Sh and Mh, supported my point of view fairly aggressively.

I might have pulled some sensitive chord somewhere at some point during this whole thing…because H said ” Then, why did you ever have to marry me?”

I tried making the air lighter by joking ” Well, you did not have your religious beliefs listed on your resume when I chose to marry you” with a genuine smile.

But, I guess the damage was done.

H did not utter a word to me during the entire drive back. I tried my best to tell him that it was just a healthy discussion and I totally support his beliefs though I don’t believe in them.

It is way past 2 in the afternoon now, the next day..and there is still not a word from the other end.

I have left him a voice message , 2 emails and about 5 missed calls so far. I am not being let in, yet.

Hey H,

Have I done/spoken anything that deserves such a punishment?
I do have my right to speak my mind, no? You got your fair chance too.

Come on now, sweetheart, it is getting lonely without you already.

Temples, beliefs and holy men might be all that they are worth…but not enough to keep us sad like this.

Come on now, call up and say “I miss you too”.

I’ll eagerly wait for your bear hug when I reach home from office today.

Are you listening?

 

Gentle Simmer..

So, the trip was a huge success, can easily get into the list of one of  our best

I would love to blabber all that was of the days spent vacationing, but  will suffice with putting down just this one incident that got me thinking, and a little panicking too!

It was our first day of the trip. We had just reached Miami and it was late in the evening. And oh, did I mention that we had company?

Vi and Ne, a newly married enthusiastic couple we know, travelled along and were a delight to be around with. Vi, the boy, is a chilled out and fun character while Ne, the girl, is sweet and charming in all she does.

Married for hardly 8 months, they were very much into each other most of  the time.

We 4 got dressed and set out to take a leisurely walk on Ocean Drive near  the beach. A line of very interesting shops and restaurants and a  pleasant crowd made it a perfect place to spend the evening. The air smelt nice and music floated around while the gushing sound of the  waves made a soothing  background.

Definitely romantic na?

Hmmm..but this mad mind of mine did not let that be. 

Vi and Ne were walking ahead of us..koochikooing into each others ears  and laughing at silly jokes while Hubby had an arm casually thrown around  my neck .. his eyes gazed elsewhere. Then I realized he was looking at  everything EXCEPT me. A couple of times he called out to Vi to share a PJ  or info about the place. But never uttered anything to me.

I held him around the waist and walked along silently trying not to bother about my stupid thoughts. But, it doesn’t leave you so easily  now, does it?

With every step, my heart got heavier..more so when I saw the happy  looking couple in front of us lost in their world.

We are together for more than 4 years now, we have had many many  vacations and hundreds of such romantic evenings. Still, that doesn’t  mean he act so numb to me now.

Was it that he has taken me for granted. Am I like a ‘file attachment’  that will always remain along no matter what?

Was it that I no more generate any warm feelings in him on a beautiful  evening like this one?

Was our marriage getting stale..so soon? 

I kept thinking and my brows knotted tighter every minute. He didn’t notice.

My head started hurting with so much of negative thoughts and it came  out in the most unexpected manner – ” So, you are bored of me?”

Hubby was taken by surprise and asked me what was wrong. I mumbled something..he urged.

I really hate myself for the words I uttered then. I almost shouted at  him..blaming him for acting so inert and passive to me, having a keen eye on everything else but the one next to him..

I must have sounded really harsh, because he shouted back at me, almost  hysterically ..and walked back to the car.

The sweet evening had turned bitter for us. Neither of us were ready to  give up and say a sorry.

Back in the hotel room, I still could not bring myself to senses. I lay awake in  the bed sobbing softly. In any of our fights I take  longer than him to calm down. Normally he snaps back to a usual smile and  comes by to take a peek. But, not this time, no sire.

He didn’t sleep.. kept walking around in the room furious and lashing out choicest rude words at me. It hurt bad inside..the words prick harder than anything else, don’t they?

I covered my ears in despair and whispered to H, inside myself:

Just stop being so angry now, talk to me in a kind voice H ..just a word  or two in your usual loving tone..and I’ll run back into your arms. We’ll  be as happy as we were..and forget the bitter evening. 

I could have done it myself..in fact very much wanted to. But, that thing called ego never let me..just like it didn’t let H.

After, what seemed like hours, I called out to H and he turned to  me..still seething.

I said with utmost seriousness -

“You know, when you remain angry for so long it doesn’t look nice on  you. You look like an Orangutan actually.”

“What?”

“You look like an Orangutan when you are angry, really!”

A tiny smile crept on his face..and I laughed out.

H burst into laughter too.

We snuggled up to a stupid sorry and held each other the tightest we could.

All the days that followed were pure bliss. I could not bother less about  what Vi and Ne did or anybody else for that matter.

That incident and the retrospection later on made me realize that romance never left us, it just got pleasantly more comfortable and lingered.

We may not be whispering into each others ears and smiling every other minute, but we do have a good share of that, just enough and then a  little more..

As for the vacationing part, the sunshine state pampered us to bits. The Key Islands offered the best of beaches and the most awe inspiring views.

 

We Parasailed and went soaring up in the air;

We Snorkeled and swam amongst the colorful shiny fish;

We Jet skied and teased the choppy ocean waves;

We Kayaked and caressed the calm bay waters;

We Cruised on a catamaran and lost ourselves in the orange sunset skies..

 

All that was left of what happened on the first day was a warm sense of relief..and realization of what  I once read, probably at Silvara’s.

That, after a while, “Love doesn’t boil, it gently simmers.”

So true that one. So very true.

 

Happy Hols Ya’ll !

Holidays are almost there .

Hopping on a flight to Miami tomorrow

Unlike any other time, we are done shopping, packing and repacking our bags ahead of time, no last minute hurry-burry .  All set to leave right away !

Came to the Office with a mental list of things to complete today. But, the holiday mood is bubbling up and bursting out my ears already..God, I can’t concentrate.

Not just Miami.. exciting water sports and sunny beaches beckons us in the Key West Islands as well..

Snorkeling, Parasailing, Jet Skiing are some of the many events planned. If not all, we will definitely do a few from the wish list

The festive season is infectious…what with the Bright Decors, Fat Santas, Happy Faces and Cheerful Greetings …

Really lovin’ it all

 

Wish you all awesome people out there a truck load full of Health, Happiness, Laughter And Love this festive season. 

Have a wonderful one!

 

Finding courage..

…to do this post has been difficult. 

After posts from MadMomma, Chandu, SnS and others, I have been wanting to  add my voice to this shout against harassment.

I have my story..the story that has not been told out to anybody yet. No, not even my parents or the hubby.

But, every time I opened a page to type, my heart started pounding hard,  my hands sweat and I started shivering with rage..from inside and out.

Yesterday when I finally made up my mind and started recalling ‘that  incident’ with all details, I could not stop tears rolling down the eyes.

I had to shut down and go away for a while when hubby noticed and asked  what was wrong. I could not answer. He sensed something terrible and  insisted I tell instead of sitting silent with brimming eyes.

I finally confided to him ‘that incident’ which I never wanted to talk  about. Never wanted to think about.

I cried for long later..buried in his arms, sobbing profusely like a lost  child. More than 20 years now and I finally felt like I had let it out.

The hubby held me tight and didn’t let go for a long time. 

Feels much better today and am able to type this post, because I realize  I HAVE TO do this.. Let people read, let people  know, let people learn. I would be more than happy if this message gets  to at least one parent who will proactively make sure that his/her  little one is kept safe from those shameless insensitive bastards.

 
I must have been around 6 years old then. Just started school, if I  remember right. I was a very active kid – running and jumping around with  other kids in the apartment complex who aged anything from 4 to  14.Talking non stop and generally a mischief maker!

 
The apartment just below ours belonged to this family of 5 – Parents and  3 sons .The youngest of their sons, Aj, was my age and went to the same  school as me and we were sorta best friends. The eldest one of the sons,  Ar, was much older, in his 20’s, and treated me like his little  sister..taught me his karate steps and sometimes cool songs he had picked  from the movies. I generally liked those two and their parents – the aunty  who had no daughters and cared for me as one, the uncle  who had a serious stern face but spared me a smile whenever I came by.

 
The middle one of the sons, lets call him the ‘monster’ ( what else?),  was the only one whom I hated. REALLY HATED..actually for no reason at  all. He talked nicely, joked, offered to play games or just smiled wide at  me..but I never responded to that guy. Maybe, even at that small age, we are biologically trained to sense ‘danger’.

 
Anyways, it was one of those not-so-sunny days when all us kids of the complex played inside the building. Hide and seek, it was. When everyone else found their hiding place, I was still hurriedly looking to find the  best place..when the monster attacked..literally!

 
I recall him suddenly dragging me by my skinny arms into his house . I  recall being shocked and trying to wiggle out. I recall crying in pain  from the sudden stubborn dragging and from the helplessness. Nobody  saw..everyone was busy playing hide and seek.

 
Inside the house, I called out for aunty and then for uncle and then for  the Aj and Ar while still trying to wiggle out of that painful grip on the arms. No response. The house was empty, probably all the rest were  away.

 
He finally released my arms and shifted his tight grip on my mouth to shut my shouting. With threatening intensive look he asked me to stop. I did.

Then I meekly asked him why he pulled me inside? He said..he said, he wanted to  play a game, a new game..he would teach me how. 

I insisted I wanted to play  hide and seek outside with others instead…but nobody was listening.

 
As I stood bewildered after the shock and all the shouting, he smiled and  pulled down his pants. That seemed weird and I recall asking several  questions..none of which I can exactly remember now. But one thing I do  remember and very very clearly is that he got ‘that thing’ out of his underwear and started caressing it while talking and smiling at me all the  while. I remember becoming very curious and asking what that was? I had  never seen such a thing. I remember being told that I should try tasting  it and I would know. I remember doing that very hesitantly  and feeling  very nauseous soon after.

I said “I don’t want to play this game. I don’t like this. Let me go,  please?”

But, I was ordered to stay and play ..that horrible game. And I did, with  a nauseous feeling overwhelming me, with unknown fear wrapping me and  salty tears to accompany all the while.

When I was finally let out to go back home, I was warned not to tell this  game to anyone. It was a secret and would make Appa-Amma, Uncle-Aunty and  everyone else very angry if I said it out.

The days that followed are very hazy, except that -

I was dragged in by the monster to play that nauseous game at the most unsuspecting moments.

I felt very weak and helpless that I cried to myself in a  corner many times.

I went out to play lesser and lesser since I feared to walk past that house and get down to the street.

I found every chance to tell all other playmates, whenever  possible, to stay away from the monster because he was ‘bad’ ( I am proud I did that…at that tender age!), though I  could never explain why?

I started avoiding Aunty, Uncle, Ar and Aj so much that my  parents became suspicious ( However, I would not tell them anything !)

 
In an year or so, we moved away from that apartment complex when Appa was  transferred to a totally different city far away. 

I was the HAPPIEST PERSON that day.

 

Years passed by and that old monster story remained inside, unsaid and unheard of.

I grew up and had my share of eve teasers, pinchers and gropers. I grew up to shout back at many of them too.

Here I am today – making a career, setting up a home, sharing life with a caring husband – happy and busy in my world.

But, none till yesterday knew this girl had a horrible story in her closet, the story that she never wanted to think about, the story she  never wanted to recall.

 

I feel drained as I finish typing now…but in a weird way it feels good  to have shared.

Nothing more to corrode me from within.

 

Note: When I finished telling the hubby yesterday, I said I need  a closure to this story..a good ending. I could never forgive myself for  letting the monster go, just like that. He comforted me in the best way  possible and also made it clear that he has the same intensions as me. The  ending will be good, he said, the evil will be punished.

We have agreed to act on it during our next trip to India. We are going to  track him down. I don’t know what hubby’s plans are, but one thing is sure  - we are going to go hard on him..so hard that he will never be able to  play any ‘game’ with anyone in the future.

Wish us luck.

 

Truly Deepavali ?

The festivities of Deepavali is still lingering in the air. We started  last weekend and it is going on to the next. Here’s how:

A get together of about a dozen friends with spouses and kids set off  the  beginning of celebrations. Each brought their contribution to the  dining table that ended up with 3 appetizers, 4 curries, 3 desserts and a load of potato chips. Some of those feeling overly generous brought in bottles of fine wine and made it a true partay!

There was much eating, drinking and a lot of laughing…A LOT OF. A  harmless game of dumb Charades (our own version where each team presents  the opponent team’s player with 5 random words to enact and convey in 60 seconds) went on to become a laughing  riot..especially when we decided to go wicked by thinking of words like  ’Chicken Poo’, ‘ Pregnant Dinosaur’ and..wait for this..’Acute Constipation’!. Hahahaha!!!! Just imagining my friend Lav enacting that  last one and trying hard to convey it to her team makes me laugh loud at  all kinds of unexpected places  these days

 

Though heavy fireworks are banned in California, we managed to find some  sparklers and flowerpots ( Isn’t that what they are called? The ones that gush out brilliant fire sparks from a pot like thing?). No noisy rockets or bombs .  ( Oh, but I looove noisy rockets and bombs.. )

[ Pic : Me..engaged in a fascinating dance of sparkles ]

Deepavali at home involved hot oil massage on the first day. Though I  spent a good amount of time cleaning the shower tub after the showers,  the consequences of the massage sessions were..well..pretty good

 

Over the week, I made some sweets at home (Gulab Jamun and Dates  Payasam ) which came out good. Ok, about 90% good  Hmmph! I know what I did wrong this time.So, next time, I promise a 100% people

Our office ‘Activities Team’ ( I know, dumb name!) organized a Diwali  Party yesterday for the first time ever! Yes, it IS a big deal where more  than 70% employees are non Indians.

I came to office in a saree..sitting in my cubicle.. saree…in office!

That was the dress code internally decided by all desi ladies. Well, I  didn’t mind. Though it was way too difficult to dance for a bhangra song  at the party ( hehe) and even more difficult to walk fast to a meeting  that I almost missed…It felt nice. Is it because of the 100  complimentary looks I got or words like ‘You look so pretty !’ from  random strangers walking by? Well..maybe

 

The finale of all celebrations ( or at least hoping to be) will be on  this weekend, with another bunch of very enthusiastic friends. If  anything, I am sure of this- there will be some awesome music and mad  dancing !

 

Hmm…some sincerely candid view point now.

In spite of all these hullabaloo over the entire week, there were hardly  few minutes when I truely felt like it was Deepavali.

No careless evenings jumping around Appa arguing over new clothes and  heaps of fireworks for the next day.

No hovering in the kitchen waiting for Amma to let you pounce on your favorite Kaju  Burfi and Khara Boondi Mixture.

No chasing behind the brother who took immense pleasure scaring you with  sudden ‘bomb’ bursts at unexpected moments.

No visits to cousins aunts and uncles all sharing the same glee and  enthusiasm as you because its Deepavali!

No impatient waiting for the sun set to begin lighting little oil  lamps (hanatey) all around on the compound wall..and climbing up the roof to keep  them there too!

All these get togethers, the eating drinking and laughing loud – in some  way seems fake..We are all trying to find that elusive happiness of the  true festive season through some substitutes on a foreign land.

Aren’t we?