I Told her!

I told her!

For the uninitiated, this is the sequel to my last post about the semi-naked, drunk girl friend on chat

After some thinking and after much reading the comments on the previous post, I  decided to let my satanic part win this time . Well, I had some good intentions in letting her know too.

See it yourself on the email I wrote to her :

—————————-

How’s you doing? Hope all is well.

We had a long chat on Monday night (your time) and you sounded..err..weird

It was quite obvious you were slosh drunk then. Not sure if you remember now, but  do check the chat archive logs.

A couple of things -

If it was indeed you who typed all that, then seriously avoid coming on  chat/phone/email while drunk. There might be wrong people out there to misuse a  situation and that might be kind of dangerous. You know what I mean, yeah?

If it was not you who typed on chat that day , then make sure your account was not  hacked and used by somebody else. That thought it damn creepy!

Take care.

—————————-

I received a hasty little response from her the same day that said :

—————————-

I am fine. Very Sorry.. I shouldn’t have come online when I was drunk.

I just checked the chat archives..

Want to talk to you. Will catch you online without the booze this time

—————————-

The next day she popped up on the chat as soon as I logged in, as if she had been waiting!

Her name on chat involuntarily shot up a big red warning sign in my head. Thankfully, she was sane and sober this time.

Embarrassed apologies ensued, later followed by profuse requests not to divulge any of  what-took-place-that-night to her people, especially the husband!

————————————

Her: I did all of it without the husband knowing. He still doesn’t have a clue. Let this remain between just the two of us, please.

Me: Sure, don’t worry. But, why didn’t you tell the husband?

Her: What should I tell? You tell me.

Me: You could say you had a couple of drinks..bit too much to handle and not mention about other things. To keep him informed, I guess.

Her: Hmm..I just had one glass you know?

Me: Haha! No way! That’s too less to get intoxicated

Her: Really!

Me: One glass of wine = Just half of the glass from the rim.

Her: I had a full glass … or was it a full bottle..oh, can’t recall.

Me: That’s all right. Forget it.

—————————————–

At this point I actually started feeling sorry for her situation. So, a quick  change of topic had us talking a bit of work, a little of family and a lot of the good old school days !

Finally, it all ended nice..with smiles lingering afterwards:

She: Am really happy now that I have spoken to you about it..phew!

Me: Ditto here .

She: Good Night, Sleep tight

Me: May the Bed Bugs not bite

 

Ahem..

I know her from kindergarten. We went to the same school and then the same pre-university college. We were friends, not thick buddies, not great pals..just friends.

Tall, beautiful, athletic, talented – She was all this bundled up in a strong charming persona everyone seemed to admire. I did too, but not in the same light. I secretly envied her for all she was. Not that I was lesser, but just because I could not be her!

We parted ways soon after college and went on with our lives. I lost touch with  her, as with many from school until we bumped each other on a networking site  sometime back. She was married and was living a good life. I went through her  pictures and realized that I don’t feel the envious pangs anymore…but it had not died down either.

Yesterday, finally, the jealousy died. Just like that, it went away. It is since been replaced by a smug smirk

Want to know how?

Out of the blue, she pinged me on chat yesterday. I was surprised since that was least expected. We were neither close enough or bothered to check on each other by any means, anytime before that.

She started with a casual ‘Hi, Are you there?’ and I responded. It was all normal conversation for a few minutes. But, what followed later, totally took me aback! While I am still shaking my head in disbelief, the chat log tells me it did really happen.

Here are the excerpts from the chat for you. You will know why I am holding back a chuckle and smiling a vicious smile now.

———————————————–

She: Ok..going to sleep now

Me: Ok, Good night, Sleep tight and may the bed bugs not bite. Nice catching up  with you today.

She: You are making Me hot

Me: haha!!  :D   * ‘hehe..what??*

She: But Me alone na

Me: oh..why so? where’s hubby?

She: He is out. So how about you?

Me: Its 12 noon on Monday and am at office now..

She: You in mood?

Me: * Gulp.What’s wrong with her?*  Not really , especially when you are in office  working on some boring stuff. But, looks like you are! Time to call up your guy, I  guess.

She: Will call him later. Do u know what dress I am in?

Me: * My tubelight brain just lighted up!*  Hey, one question..

She: Yes

Me: You been drinking?

She: No..yes..I mean not yet. Why?

Me: You sound different than I used to know..

She: Oh, its all because of …….the mood

Me: Ok, I get it  *time to run away!*

She: what did you get?

Me: Chalo, will get back to working now, you get some sleep or maybe talk to your  guy.Take care, bye now

She: mmm..so you are going??

Me: Sorry, am in office and got loads of things to finish. Monday today na  * You better end it here miss or be prepared to be shit embarrassed tomorrow when you are sober *

She: Yes, Monday night for me…Ok, I had some wine.. nothing to hide..makes me feel gooooood.You know, I am just in my bra and panty.

Me: * OMG! Help!*  Wine is fine, I have it occasionally too. But I think u have had too much of it ..go sleep now, ok? I have gottu get back to work, really.

She: I didn’t know when to stop drinking..but, it’s really made me hot

Me: * Uff!! You really need help girl * Hmm.I think you should drink only when  there are friends or people with you girl….getting drunk alone like this is not fun.

She: I was with my colleagues…As soon as I got home I removed all my clothes except bra and panty you know?

Me: * Gosh, this is getting freaky! * Hmm.. Take a nice shower then.

She: I feel so horny, not sure why..

Me: All the wine you had is acting up. Go take a shower and drink lots of  water..will make you feel better. * Phew! I am tired trying to put some sense here  *

She: Hmm..I am going to be on bed for some time and enjoy, ok

Me: Go ahead, but I need to leave now. Bye * Run for your life! *

She: ok..catch u later..Good night

Me: ..

She: Tell na Good night

———————————————–

Not sure if she even remembered this chat when she woke up next day.

I have two options:

Leave her a line asking to check her chat log and imagine her going red with embarrassment.

OR

Act all zen by pretending nothing ever happened and move on.

The bad jealous part of me votes for the former, while the angelic halo part of me chooses the latter.

What do you say?

I know her from kindergarten. We went to the same school and then the same pre-university college. We were friends, not thick buddies, not great pals..just friends.

Tall, beautiful, athletic, talented – She was all this bundled up in a strong charming persona everyone seemed to admire. I did too, but not in the same light. I secretly envied her for all she was. Not that I was lesser, but just because I could not be her!

We parted ways soon after college and went on with our lives. I lost touch with  her, as with many from school until we bumped each other on a networking site  sometime back. She was married and was living a good life. I went through her  pictures and realized that I don’t feel the envious pangs anymore…but it had not died down either.

Yesterday, finally, the jealousy died. Just like that, it went away. It has since been replaced by a smug smirk

Want to know how?

Out of the blue, she pinged me on chat yesterday. I was surprised since that was least expected. Not just because it was late at night in India. We were neither close enough nor bothered to check on each other by any means, anytime before that.

She started with a casual ‘Hi, Are you there?’ and I responded. It was all normal conversation for a few minutes. But, what followed later, totally took me aback! While I am still shaking my head in disbelief, the chat log tells me it did really happen.

Here are the excerpts from the chat for you. You will know why I am holding back a chuckle and smiling a vicious smile now.

———————————————–

She: Ok..going to sleep now

Me: Ok, Good night, Sleep tight and may the bed bugs not bite. Nice catching up  with you today.

She: You are making Me hot

Me: haha!!  :D   * ‘hehe..what??*

She: But me alone na

Me: oh..why so? where’s hubby?

She: He is out. So how about you?

Me: Its 12 noon on Monday and am at office now..

She: You in mood?

Me: * Gulp.What’s wrong with her?* Not really , especially when you are in office  working on some boring stuff. But, looks like you are! Time to call up your guy, I  guess.

She: Will call him later. Do u know what dress I am in?

Me: * My tubelight brain just lighted up!* Hey, one question..

She: Yes

Me: You been drinking?

She: No..yes..I mean not yet. Why?

Me: You sound different than I used to know..

She: Oh, its all because of …….the mood

Me: Ok, I get it  *time to run away!*

She: what did you get?

Me: Chalo, will get back to working now, you get some sleep or maybe talk to your  guy.Take care, bye now

She: mmm..so you are going??

Me: Sorry, am in office and got loads of things to finish. Monday today na    * You better end it here miss or be prepared to be shit embarrassed tomorrow when you are sober *

She: Yes, Monday night for me…Ok, I had some wine.. nothing to hide..makes me feel gooooood.You know, I am just in my bra and panty.

Me: * OMG! Help!* Wine is fine, I have it occasionally too. But I think you have had too much of it ..go sleep now, ok? I have gottu get back to work, really.

She: I didn’t know when to stop drinking..but, it’s really made me hot

Me: * Uff!! You really need help girl * Hmm.I think you should drink only when  there are friends or people with you girl….getting drunk alone like this is not fun.

She: I was with my colleagues…As soon as I got home I removed all my clothes except bra and panty you know?

Me: * Gosh, this is getting freaky! * Hmm.. Take a nice shower then.

She: I feel so horny, not sure why..

Me: All the wine you had is acting up. Go take a shower and drink lots of  water..will make you feel better. * Phew! I am tired trying to put some sense here  *

She: Hmm..I am going to be on bed for some time and enjoy, ok

Me: Go ahead, but I need to leave now. Bye  * Run for your life! *

She: ok..catch you later..Good night

Me: ..

She: Tell na.. Good night

———————————————–

Not sure if she even remembered this chat when she woke up next day.

I have two options:

Leave her a line asking to check her chat log and imagine her going red with embarrassment.

OR

Act all zen by pretending nothing ever happened and move on.

The bad jealous part of me votes for the former, while the angelic halo part of me chooses the latter.

What do you say?

 

Horrors, by mistake :)

A high spirited, chirpy new friend of mine tagged me quite some time back.

Quoting the clichéd ‘better late than never’, here is the list of my domestic horrors:

———————————————————————————–

I am this just-married brand new bride who does not know the in-law’s language and hence communicates with them mostly in English or sign language.  It is only a couple of days with the in-laws and the MIL switches over from English to her native language (Tamil) without any warning! I smile or nod stupidly at everything she says, with no clue about the meaning whatsoever

One fine morning I am seated in the living room with the newspaper when MIL walks by saying something in Tamil. I nod with a smile, as usual, before getting back to the newspaper.

In a few minutes, I smell something burning. But, I had no reason to worry – MIL was in charge of the kitchen anyway, I thought. The smell just kept getting worse and I opened the windows and doors to drive it out. Finally, when there was no sign of the stink subsiding, I entered the kitchen to find NOBODY there, but a vessel full of milk boiling and spilling out into the flames !!

Apparently, the MIL had told me in her PUREST form of Tamil that she was going out for a while and there is milk boiling on the stove. Bah! I was embarrassed to bits when FIL and my other half laughed hard at my horror stricken face.

But, heaven knows I wanted to shout at the MIL and say- “You could have cut some slack and told it in English for this poor Non-Tamil soul here, no??!”

———————————————————————————–

Me and H moved into our first little rented house in Bangalore a little after the wedding and set up a ‘home’ together. After recovering from the initial shock to learn that I am in charge of the kitchen all by myself with no help, I got to serious business. From cooking rice to making sambhar and curry – H yielded ( had no other way, I guess) to be the guinea pig for my culinary experiments Some misses and some hits, but I grew more confident by the day.

One morning, when H was away in office, I was frying some veggies but got distracted and went away to the other room, only to come back and find all my hard work turned to black charcoal in the pan.I couldn’t take that kind of insult on my attempts (ahem), picked up the purse and walked out to a nearest restaurant.

I came back home with a big styrofoam box full of hot spicy curry, nicely transferred it into a fresh vessel, stirred it with a spoon and covered with a lid. H came home for lunch those days because I was not yet working then. Plus, he loved the yummy home made food his new wife made ( or so I like to believe). No doubt, the ’special curry’ received much compliments and I was praised to no end…he thought I had finally got there! ( where?)

Only a couple of years later, when I had indeed mastered most of his favorite dishes did I let him into the truth of the special curry he enjoyed so much one day and wondered why I did not make it that way ever again !

———————————————————————————–

I was working on a project assignment and moved to the US for the first time, alone. I was put up in a company provided fully furnished apartment. It had a beautiful kitchen with all amenities – Fridge and Oven to vessels and spoons, you name it. I mostly cooked, but ordered in on lazy days. The leftover pizza that I ordered on one of those days was packed in a silver foil and kept aside for dinner. At night, I promptly picked it up , with the silver foil et all , put it in the microwave and pressed ‘Start’.

It took only a few seconds before fumes started emerging out wickedly. I was too nervous to even get closer and switch off. But, thankfully, it switched off on its own soon… after a loud explosion creating a big hole  on the microwave door

My company was too kind and paid the damage costs while the apartment people left me with a warning only.Why? Maybe because the whole thing did not involve a fire engine and police knocking on their doors. Hehehe.

———————————————————————————–

Cannot think of any major horror story since then. Oh, that translates to “I have now become so much responsible and cautious and superb at all I do in the kitchen ..I am simply – awesomely – fantastically GREAT!”

Ok, not exactly that..but something like that

What’s your part of the horror story?

 

What a Translation !!

 

I literally rolled on the floor laughing this morning, thanks to this silly forward from a friend.

Here, take a look and you’ll roll down there too

[ P.S : Those of you who are 'Hindi Challenged', sorry! ]

—————–

How do you do?

* Kaise karte ho? 

Keep in touch!

* Chhoote Raho. 

Lets hang out!

* Chalo bahar latakte hain ! 

Have a nice day!

* Achcha din lo! 

What’s up?

* Uppar kya hai? 

Yo, baby! What’s up?

* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai? 

She’s so fine!

* Woh itnee baareek hai! 

Listen buddy, that chick’s mine, okay!?

* Suno dost, woh chooza mera hai, theek? 

Cool man!

* Thandaa aadmi! 

Check this out, man!

* Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi! 

Hey good looking; what’s cooking?

* Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho? 

Are you nuts?

* Kya aap akhrot hain? 

Son of a gun.

* Bachcha bandook ka. 

Rock the party.

* Party mein patthar pheko. 

Don’t mess with me, dude..

* Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.

You’re kidding!

* Tum bachcha bana rahe ho! 

Don’t kid me!

* Mera bachcha mat banaao!

—————–

I literally rolled on the floor laughing this morning, thanks to this silly forward from a friend. Here, take a look and you’ll roll down there too

 P.S : Those of you who are ‘Hindi Challenged’, sorry! 

—————–

How do you do?

* Kaise karte ho? 

 

Keep in touch!

* Chhoote Raho. 

 

Lets hang out!

* Chalo bahar latakte hain ! 

 

Have a nice day!

* Achcha din lo! 

 

What’s up?

* Uppar kya hai? 

 

Yo, baby! What’s up?

* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai? 

 

She’s so fine!

* Woh itnee baareek hai! 

 

Listen buddy, that chick’s mine, okay!?

* Suno dost, woh chooza mera hai, theek? 

 

Cool man!

* Thandaa aadmi! 

 

Check this out, man!

* Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi! 

 

Hey good looking; what’s cooking?

* Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho? 

 

Are you nuts?

* Kya aap akhrot hain? 

 

Son of a gun.

* Bachcha bandook ka. 

 

Rock the party.

* Party mein patthar pheko. 

 

Don’t mess with me, dude..

* Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.

 

You’re kidding!

* Tum bachcha bana rahe ho! 

 

Don’t kid me!

* Mera bachcha mat banaao!

—————–

 

Just a little annoying :)

Last Friday was the first time I went pub hopping, got super sloshed (over 3 glasses of wine and a margarita) and stepped into that fuzzy  world of happy giggling-over-nothing and stupid non-stop-talking. But, know what? In spite of the madness, I was perfectly conscious of what I was talking or doing..err.just that I wasn’t able to stop. H saved himself for the drive back, as soon as he saw me going overboard. (I am proud of you my dear )

Anyway, When we finally made it home at 3 AM next day, I remember H walking me back to the house totally ignoring my clever suggestions to spend the night in the car because it was warm there..and walking to the house was cold.

It took only a couple of minutes inside the house when I realized the fuzzy happiness was all churning inside and demanded to come out immediately. I made a quick run to the bathroom to let it all out into the sink ( Yuckk! That one was a first time too..not really proud of it). Reality had still not hit but I couldn’t stand the mess and started cleaning up. Though H tried, he wasn’t able to lure me to go and sleep! I crashed only when I had done my cleaning job as best as I could in that drunken state

That much of a prelude to come to this point – Waking up to an unclean sink in the morning is not my only pet peeve. There is quite a list. Take a look

- Have to be reading something as I do my ‘long business’ in the restroom. If nothing, I should read at least the labels and ingredients on the shampoo bottle lying nearby.

- Need to have the bathtub absolutely free of any hair residuals. I will end up taking shower with closed eyes if its not my house and I can’t clean that tub.

- It is absolutely necessary that I delete any spam message on my personal email accounts as soon as I see it, that instant. Ditto with the server notification emails on my office account.

- Sleep on the right side of the bed always. H can crib or cry, he is not having that side. Sorry honey!

- The bedroom door has to closed when I go to bed. Doesn’t matter if its only me and H in the whole house and the front door is locked.

- Once you step out of the house, coming back to get anything forgotten, brings bad luck. So, sit down, at least for a microsecond before going out again. Amma used to say that and follow sincerely. I find that reasoning funny, but can’t stop doing it anyways!

- Unless there are any kids playing and dragging things around, the living room should have every single piece of furniture in its allotted place. If H needs to get me all worked up, he just needs to shift the chairs a little or move the table a bit out of angle..and watch the fun.

- Kitchen needs to be totally under my control, when I cook. You take over and do the full job if you like. But, please don’t offer help. I might not sound exactly polite when I say “Stop! I’ll manage on my own. Thanks.”

- All doors on the kitchen cabinet need to remain closed while not in use. Leaving them partially open, for any reason, just won’t do at all.

- Pray for at least a few minutes everyday and make sure that includes wishing for happiness and peace for everyone in the world. God might otherwise assume I am really selfish to ask favors for me and my people only no?

 

Your turn now. Leave a comment or take this up as a tag. Tell me your list of pet peeves.

Oh, come on now, everyone has some of it right?…..right?    

* looks worried when there’s no answer *

 

Pappu Pass ?

Rest can wait, I have a hot update from the plate.

I took my driving test today.

What’s the big deal, you ask ?? Read on :

California is one of those states with most strict driving laws and even stricter driving tests. Eight out of the ten people I know have not passed it until the second or third attempt

Back in my little town in India, I remember my driving test was a smooth sail, where passing or failing depended more on how much you could pay the inspector rather than how you drove Bad, I know..but what the heck, that was so easy !

But out here now, you realize how serious is this thing you are getting into when you casually tell people about your upcoming driving test and hear a really concerned and heartfelt ‘ Oh !! All the Best!”, more often accompanied by free pieces of advice :” Make sure you don’t slow down too much in a left turn” or “Keep scanning around while in school areas”.

Paranoia sets in pretty easily, especially for one like me who is so averse to driving ( Uh, oh, Fine..Scared of driving ) that I have been bicycling to office until now. Also, read that it makes me proud to bicycle – as a means of great exercise plus avoiding contribution to the traffic pollution !

I digress.

Initial practice sessions were with the hubby, who already has a bad reputation for temper. I respectfully accept the fact that I heard enough and more of foul words from that guy in those few weeks than any gangster in Chicago would ever hear in his lifetime. Okay, exaggeration. But I am a sensitive little being who happens to be his wife, come on now, show some love !

The hubby’s so-called training got so frustrating that I gulped down tumblers of my tears every time I drove. Finally, some solace arrived in the form of ‘Nick’, the driving instructor recommended by a close cousin.

Nick was more than 60 years of age, but maintained a healthy trim body for his small Chinese build. He never used foul words..but..err..yelled anyways, using normal words. Though he said ‘Kickklinggg’ for ‘Keep going’ and ‘ Fined Fote’ for ‘Blind Spot’, he did teach me some cool tricks to backup and parallel park.

However, the day before the test I figured that I held no hope for the next day. The hubby had never ever mentioned that I can pass nor had Nick. If I was worthy of so much yelling, I really didn’t make a good driver.. yet.

I wanted to give it a shot anyway and went to the test center after thorough prayers and pleadings to Lord Ganesha, my favorite one.

The inspector was a lady…sweet looking. She sat down next to me, smiled and softly said “Go straight until the end and then take a right, okay?”. And..my heart almost melted. For the first time in the history of this poor soul, a person had spoken politely/softly while driving !!! I clearly felt my spirits rise and before I knew I was making small talk with her on the road as I drove ( Hey, plain breathing was a big deal when driving with Hubby or Nick. So this one surely was something ! )

Take a left ; Change the lane ; Pull over to park ; Back up Reverse – Nothing was complicated anymore.

When done, it felt just natural to hear “Good, you passed.”

Hubby was shocked and Nick almost had a heart attack when I told the news. But, they did smile and nod affirmatively when I pointed out “The inspector never yelled at me. She spoke sweet and polite, I just had to drive and pass”.

 

The art of going RED …with embarrassment

Must be your good day.  You are in for some big laughs – all at my cost !

I hereby display my bravery ( which, by the way, needs to be enormous in this case) by listing all the ultra mortifying moments in my life, chronological order.

Here goes :

• I must have been around 7 years old when I was spending a summer vacation at an aunt’s place. They took me along for a pooja ceremony at their neighbors place. I recall a crowd of more than 50 people – all busy and chatting around, hardly giving any attention to the actual ceremony. I was new and tried to keep to myself and in the course gulped down nearly 4 glasses of a yummy tasting fruit juice which was offered to the guests. Obviously my bladder was pressing me for a restroom break within a few minutes. I am not sure what I was thinking – that it was bad to ask people about rest room during a pooja? Maybe. I kept mum. All the while the pressure increased. I discovered in few minutes that I could divert the urge by swinging my arms widely. At one point, it became so bad, that my arms started hurting by the vigorous swinging!Some concerned people came to me wondering what I was up to. I still kept mum ( Arrrgghh, why?!).When I could no longer stand it, I finally ran to my aunt with tears rolling down the eyes and hands on..err..you know where. Almost half of the people were watching while my aunt hurriedly took me towards the rest room. Though it has been years and years ..I have never forgotten it and never will, I guess. Oh, that silly little girl who thought seeking a restroom was a sin!

 

• It was my first day in the engineering college. For a small town girl, I think I was pretty well dressed..ahmm..except for the little silver butterfly on my ponytail. I wondered why the senior guys ( who, by the way swarmed around to get a glimpse of the new birds in the block) gave me a pleased look until I turned my head to walk away. I think I heard a few giggles..giggles from the BOYS! Through half of the day I was blissfully unaware why some of my classmates pointed fingers and showed me to their bench mates. I was actually proud to be pointed out..maybe I was the star of the day? When one of them opened her mouth to say ” Nice butterfly up there. It even flutters the wings when you walk!”, before chuckling, I finally knew I was not the star of the day after all – at least not the way I thought. Why didn’t the earth open up and gulp me at that moment, God ?!!!

 

• Well through the first year of college, I became popular enough to be noticed – this time, all in the right sense. Outgoing, friendly, smart, talkative, talented and such attributes were associated to yours truely and I walked around quite confident until…this guy from another department was introduced to me one evening by a common friend. I had this thing for smart and intellectual guys who need not necessarily be very good looking either. There were many of that sort, I knew and was comfortable with, but this guy was different. He spoke with superbly high confidence and intellect, yet being funny and charming all the while. I reciprocated..and gave away a little too much, I guess. I had this scarf kind of thingy around my neck and as I talked, I removed it , tied up around my finger, removed it back, tied it back up around the neck, removed it again..around the finger… back on the neck…you get it, right? I might have repeated this for at least a dozen times when I finally realized and stopped..and grinned.. foolishly. That was not the end ..mortification happened in the true sense when after a week I attended this seminar on body language and behavior ..where that same guy was one of the main speakers. It seems he was a certified ‘Interpreter of Body Language and Behavior’ ! Ayyyooo…Shucks, Shucks, Shucks..!

 

• Final year and the last semester in college, I was very much in love with this guy who is now the hubby. As is normal, we did all to please each other. One day he asked me ever so sweetly that he wants some pictures of me (prints, not the digital version ). He said he wanted many of them and in different poses. Was I happy to fulfill this romantic sounding wish from my prince charming, or what? It was cheesy to think of him lovingly look at my pictures 24X7, but what the heck? I very much lived in my dreamland, where anything was possible! I went to the nearest photo studio with a group of friends – who, by the way, were super excited to help out..again, pure bollywood filmy type ’saheliyan’. I posed and posed, putting the old ‘Saira Banu’ to shame, probably. Imagine any stupid looking pose you can think of..even the ones where you pretend to be walking and then turn back to smile ( Yeah, yeah, laugh you may). Finally when the pictures came out, I thought they were silly, but sent them to my guy anyway. I expected him to laugh a bit, but when it was a roaring unstoppable guffaw, I asked him what was so wrong? His answer haunts me to this day -  “I asked for the pictures to show to my parents. They wanted to see you in a sari. I forgot to mention that. By the way, just make sure that studio guy doesn’t sell those pictures to a local wine shop..the girl with pretty poses in jeans and little skirts.Hahahaha..!”   I went so red with embarrassment..took me days to stop thinking about it. I could hardly look straight at my in laws when I first met them. Thankfully, all these years, that topic has been never spoken of in their presence although the hubby has his stomach full laughs recalling the pictures every once in a while .

 Phew! While this list is not exhaustive, I will prefer to maintain a little trace of dignity by saying – all the rest that did not make to this list are much milder and pale in comparison.

Now, to think of it, this makes a cool tag ( cool because I cannot get physically beaten up for passing this on. Yay! to the virtual world)

I tag.. in fact DARE these dearies to reveal their list ( if any , of course).

Chandu

DewDrop

GNightGirl

 

 

Huh ! Law can be so dumb ?

 Came across this list on a forwarded message and was totally amused ! Made some additions to this list ( authentic, of course, I double checked online) and sharing it here. Read on:

• Switzerland seems to have some queer laws when it comes to relieving oneself – in the loo. It is illegal in that country to flush the toilet after 10 p.m. A man is also not allowed to stand up and pee after 10 p.m. ( Oh, so the bladder needs to stop functioning after the lights are out ? Don’t wake up the neighbours, dude… keep it down ? )
• In South Korea, traffic police are supposed to report all bribes that they receive from motorists. ( report the bribe and then slip it into the pocket, yeah?)
• In Italy, men are not allowed to wear skirts. ( Well, we suppose all they have to do, if they feel the urge very strongly, is just hop across to Scotland.)
• In Canada, comic books that depict any kind of illegal activity is banned. (We assume lawmakers and cops don’t get too much time for comic books anyway).
• In Wisconsin, whenever two trains meet at an intersection of tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has (provided they haven’t crashed into each other first ?? ).
• New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage over irreconcilable differences until both parties agree to it. (And if they can agree to that, they can probably try agreeing to everything else too… and they might find out then that they won’t need to divorce after all… very smart, the Americans).
• In Singapore, it is illegal to pee in an elevator. ( On the elevator, really? Hmm..now that you have mentioned!)
• One more from Singapore: Oral sex is illegal unless it is used as a form of foreplay. ( How do they track the law breakers in this case? No, really, how?)  

 

One more specimen

So, this noon I was at the cafeteria heating up my lunch box in the microwave when this Chinese looking guy walked up with his lunch box. As usual, I threw a brief smile at him and continued to do my business, when he said -

“Hi. So when are you planning for a baby?”

“Sorry??!”

“You are married for some years now, no? When will you have a baby?”

“Ah.. not sure yet.” ( WTF!! I hardly know this person. Why am I even answering him!)

“I think I’ll have another one by next year.”

“Oh, Ok.” ( Wow, thank you so much for this critical information Sir. What would I have done without it.)

“Bye then.”

“Bye” ( Phew! )

Does this kind of weird viva voce sessions happen only to me or such specimen with bizarre questions are common all throughout?

 

Got ‘tested’.

When I signed up for a ‘Basic Check Up and Test’ with my gynecologist, I hardly expected anything more than a height-weight-BP kind of regular test.

Man, was I wrong or what?

This thing called ‘Pap Smear Test’ was part of it all ..and that came as a surprise..err..shock.

Yes, I know why it is done and why it is important. But..But, all that was for ‘others’, not me. No ?!?

Once inside the physicians suite, the totally unsuspecting me was asked by an assistant to strip naked. Yeah, okay, alright , she didn’t use those exact words. But, it still meant the same!

I reiterated her words and said “Remove everything? You mean EVERYTHING??”

She could not miss that shock on my face and smiled “Yes. Everything please.”

To make matters worse, my very supportive ( prefix this with a least or never) hubby was standing next to me…struggling to control his laugh at my pathetic situation.

Thank god, I was atleast given this ‘paper suit’ ( What do we call a huge sheet of paper that has a hole in the center to pull over your head and a string to tie the sheet around, to cover yourself up in vain?)

The doctor entered the room and I was for once thankful that she looked very professional and spoke warmly.

I was getting a little comfortable answering her basic questions while finally managing to hold the paper sheet around me to safely cover all ‘important’ areas, while still wondering . Suddenly, out of nowhere, the doc said “Remove the top of the sheet. I need to check your breasts.”

“Wha..what?”

” I need to carry out some simple steps to check for lumps in your breasts” she replied as calmly as she would ask me to pass on the salt and pepper shaker on the dining table.

“Doc..doctor..I don’t ..don’t have any lumps” I could hear myself stammer.

” Let me check.”

I did as told and lied on the table, half naked.

” It is just a medical checkup. This is a lady doctor. She is a nice lady, a motherly figure. Nothing to feel awkward about..Calm down” – I kept repeating this to myself in a fast-forward loop mode while she was checking my ‘upstairs’.

During all this, it took me 10 times the patience to stop myself from hitting the hubby on his head. He was standing right next to me with that vicious grin on the face which threatened to break into a loud laughter if provoked further. I mean..I was trying hard to keep a straight face myself. He could have been pretending serious atleast

I lay there acting numb while she moved her fingers and slowly massaged around my breasts..looking for lumps.

“You are clear here.” she said, finally.

“Phew ! Ok. Great.Hehehe.” I smiled stupidly and hurried to get down and grab my clothes.

“No, no, no. Don’t rush! You are not done yet. Lie down a little lower and spread your legs on this support.” she said and sat on the chair right at the end of the table where my legs were supposed to be ’spread’.

I got seriously worried. It is somehow manageable if she goes to my ‘upstairs’..but she wants to get to my ‘downstairs’ too now?!!!

I could not face her and turned to look at the hubby expecting some (tiny little bit) of help/ support in this wierd situation. I got nothing but a stupid grin.

“Ahmm…Could I skip this test?” I attempted a final get-away plan.

“This is the last test and will hardly take 2 minutes. It is important that you get your cervix tested for cervical cancer.” She was pretty blunt.

I felt like a helpless little sheep being shaved naked and then taken to the butcher’s place…

I lied down and took a deep breath.

“Come little lower..yes, little more..little more. Okay. Good” she kept instructing until I was way down balancing my body over a small area above my butt! The rest of it all was protruding out of the table’s end anyway.

“Just push a little from inside your gut.” she said while pulling out a big steel instrument.

I retracted and sat up to ask ” Will you put THAT WHOLE THING inside??”

I was getting difficult, I guess. She sighed and said “Yes. But, don’t worry.”

Don’t worry?? A steel instrument is getting down my vagina, for gods sake..and I am not even sedated ! Dear God, what has the world come to?!

I closed my eyes tight and let her do the job.

The steel got inside and acted as if it was looking for some lost relative in there somewhere. Holding the table sides with a death grip did not help..nor did my cringing.

The steel thingy finally came out and in went something else ! This time, I could not even see what went inside me. That’s nothing but a sorry state to be in…believe me.

Okay. Okay. Just a few seconds more. Relax. Take a deep breath – I kept repeating in my head.

The ’something else’ seemed to do much more than looking for a lost relative. Actually it was deep and a bit painful too. For a person who is already famous as a drama queen – how dare I complain ?! I just held the table sides tighter and cringed harder.

A few dozen seconds more.. I managed to steal a glance at the hubby who looked back at me with the same old grin and then patted my hands to comfort.
Hmm. Not bad. He can atleast act to look concerned

After those loooong drawn 2 minutes, I finally got down the table and grabbed my clothes.

To be honest, I felt wet ‘downstairs’ when I got on my feet.
I surely didn’t piss (WTF!). It must be the other fluid.

Was that some fluid she used for her test or did I embarrass myself by dripping wet ??

Oh ! no, no.. don’t..don’t answer that.

My test results arrive in a week and it better be good.
It does owe me that much for what I went through !

Right?!