When I signed up for a ‘Basic Check Up and Test’ with my gynecologist, I hardly expected anything more than a height-weight-BP kind of regular test.
Man, was I wrong or what?
This thing called ‘Pap Smear Test’ was part of it all ..and that came as a surprise..err..shock.
Yes, I know why it is done and why it is important. But..But, all that was for ‘others’, not me. No ?!?
Once inside the physicians suite, the totally unsuspecting me was asked by an assistant to strip naked. Yeah, okay, alright , she didn’t use those exact words. But, it still meant the same!
I reiterated her words and said “Remove everything? You mean EVERYTHING??”
She could not miss that shock on my face and smiled “Yes. Everything please.”
To make matters worse, my very supportive ( prefix this with a least or never) hubby was standing next to me…struggling to control his laugh at my pathetic situation.
Thank god, I was atleast given this ‘paper suit’ ( What do we call a huge sheet of paper that has a hole in the center to pull over your head and a string to tie the sheet around, to cover yourself up in vain?)
The doctor entered the room and I was for once thankful that she looked very professional and spoke warmly.
I was getting a little comfortable answering her basic questions while finally managing to hold the paper sheet around me to safely cover all ‘important’ areas, while still wondering . Suddenly, out of nowhere, the doc said “Remove the top of the sheet. I need to check your breasts.”
” I need to carry out some simple steps to check for lumps in your breasts” she replied as calmly as she would ask me to pass on the salt and pepper shaker on the dining table.
“Doc..doctor..I don’t ..don’t have any lumps” I could hear myself stammer.
” Let me check.”
I did as told and lied on the table, half naked.
” It is just a medical checkup. This is a lady doctor. She is a nice lady, a motherly figure. Nothing to feel awkward about..Calm down” – I kept repeating this to myself in a fast-forward loop mode while she was checking my ‘upstairs’.
During all this, it took me 10 times the patience to stop myself from hitting the hubby on his head. He was standing right next to me with that vicious grin on the face which threatened to break into a loud laughter if provoked further. I mean..I was trying hard to keep a straight face myself. He could have been pretending serious atleast 😛
I lay there acting numb while she moved her fingers and slowly massaged around my breasts..looking for lumps.
“You are clear here.” she said, finally.
“Phew ! Ok. Great.Hehehe.” I smiled stupidly and hurried to get down and grab my clothes.
“No, no, no. Don’t rush! You are not done yet. Lie down a little lower and spread your legs on this support.” she said and sat on the chair right at the end of the table where my legs were supposed to be ‘spread’.
I got seriously worried. It is somehow manageable if she goes to my ‘upstairs’..but she wants to get to my ‘downstairs’ too now?!!!
I could not face her and turned to look at the hubby expecting some (tiny little bit) of help/ support in this wierd situation. I got nothing but a stupid grin.
“Ahmm…Could I skip this test?” I attempted a final get-away plan.
“This is the last test and will hardly take 2 minutes. It is important that you get your cervix tested for cervical cancer.” She was pretty blunt.
I felt like a helpless little sheep being shaved naked and then taken to the butcher’s place…
I lied down and took a deep breath.
“Come little lower..yes, little more..little more. Okay. Good” she kept instructing until I was way down balancing my body over a small area above my butt! The rest of it all was protruding out of the table’s end anyway.
“Just push a little from inside your gut.” she said while pulling out a big steel instrument.
I retracted and sat up to ask ” Will you put THAT WHOLE THING inside??”
I was getting difficult, I guess. She sighed and said “Yes. But, don’t worry.”
Don’t worry?? A steel instrument is getting down my vagina, for gods sake..and I am not even sedated ! Dear God, what has the world come to?!
I closed my eyes tight and let her do the job.
The steel got inside and acted as if it was looking for some lost relative in there somewhere. Holding the table sides with a death grip did not help..nor did my cringing.
The steel thingy finally came out and in went something else ! This time, I could not even see what went inside me. That’s nothing but a sorry state to be in…believe me.
Okay. Okay. Just a few seconds more. Relax. Take a deep breath – I kept repeating in my head.
The ‘something else’ seemed to do much more than looking for a lost relative. Actually it was deep and a bit painful too. For a person who is already famous as a drama queen – how dare I complain ?! I just held the table sides tighter and cringed harder.
A few dozen seconds more.. I managed to steal a glance at the hubby who looked back at me with the same old grin and then patted my hands to comfort.
Hmm. Not bad. He can atleast act to look concerned 😉
After those loooong drawn 2 minutes, I finally got down the table and grabbed my clothes.
To be honest, I felt wet ‘downstairs’ when I got on my feet.
I surely didn’t piss (WTF!). It must be the other fluid.
Was that some fluid she used for her test or did I embarrass myself by dripping wet ??
Oh ! no, no.. don’t..don’t answer that.
My test results arrive in a week and it better be good.
It does owe me that much for what I went through !