…to do this post has been difficult.
I have my story..the story that has not been told out to anybody yet. No, not even my parents or the hubby.
But, every time I opened a page to type, my heart started pounding hard, my hands sweat and I started shivering with rage..from inside and out.
Yesterday when I finally made up my mind and started recalling ‘that incident’ with all details, I could not stop tears rolling down the eyes.
I had to shut down and go away for a while when hubby noticed and asked what was wrong. I could not answer. He sensed something terrible and insisted I tell instead of sitting silent with brimming eyes.
I finally confided to him ‘that incident’ which I never wanted to talk about. Never wanted to think about.
I cried for long later..buried in his arms, sobbing profusely like a lost child. More than 20 years now and I finally felt like I had let it out.
The hubby held me tight and didn’t let go for a long time.
Feels much better today and am able to type this post, because I realize I HAVE TO do this.. Let people read, let people know, let people learn. I would be more than happy if this message gets to at least one parent who will proactively make sure that his/her little one is kept safe from those shameless insensitive bastards.
I must have been around 6 years old then. Just started school, if I remember right. I was a very active kid – running and jumping around with other kids in the apartment complex who aged anything from 4 to 14.Talking non stop and generally a mischief maker!
The apartment just below ours belonged to this family of 5 – Parents and 3 sons .The youngest of their sons, Aj, was my age and went to the same school as me and we were sorta best friends. The eldest one of the sons, Ar, was much older, in his 20’s, and treated me like his little sister..taught me his karate steps and sometimes cool songs he had picked from the movies. I generally liked those two and their parents – the aunty who had no daughters and cared for me as one, the uncle who had a serious stern face but spared me a smile whenever I came by.
The middle one of the sons, lets call him the ‘monster’ ( what else?), was the only one whom I hated. REALLY HATED..actually for no reason at all. He talked nicely, joked, offered to play games or just smiled wide at me..but I never responded to that guy. Maybe, even at that small age, we are biologically trained to sense ‘danger’.
Anyways, it was one of those not-so-sunny days when all us kids of the complex played inside the building. Hide and seek, it was. When everyone else found their hiding place, I was still hurriedly looking to find the best place..when the monster attacked..literally!
I recall him suddenly dragging me by my skinny arms into his house . I recall being shocked and trying to wiggle out. I recall crying in pain from the sudden stubborn dragging and from the helplessness. Nobody saw..everyone was busy playing hide and seek.
Inside the house, I called out for aunty and then for uncle and then for the Aj and Ar while still trying to wiggle out of that painful grip on the arms. No response. The house was empty, probably all the rest were away.
He finally released my arms and shifted his tight grip on my mouth to shut my shouting. With threatening intensive look he asked me to stop. I did.
Then I meekly asked him why he pulled me inside? He said..he said, he wanted to play a game, a new game..he would teach me how.
I insisted I wanted to play hide and seek outside with others instead…but nobody was listening.
As I stood bewildered after the shock and all the shouting, he smiled and pulled down his pants. That seemed weird and I recall asking several questions..none of which I can exactly remember now. But one thing I do remember and very very clearly is that he got ‘that thing’ out of his underwear and started caressing it while talking and smiling at me all the while. I remember becoming very curious and asking what that was? I had never seen such a thing. I remember being told that I should try tasting it and I would know. I remember doing that very hesitantly and feeling very nauseous soon after.
I said “I don’t want to play this game. I don’t like this. Let me go, please?”
But, I was ordered to stay and play ..that horrible game. And I did, with a nauseous feeling overwhelming me, with unknown fear wrapping me and salty tears to accompany all the while.
When I was finally let out to go back home, I was warned not to tell this game to anyone. It was a secret and would make Appa-Amma, Uncle-Aunty and everyone else very angry if I said it out.
The days that followed are very hazy, except that –
I was dragged in by the monster to play that nauseous game at the most unsuspecting moments.
I felt very weak and helpless that I cried to myself in a corner many times.
I went out to play lesser and lesser since I feared to walk past that house and get down to the street.
I found every chance to tell all other playmates, whenever possible, to stay away from the monster because he was ‘bad’ ( I am proud I did that…at that tender age!), though I could never explain why?
I started avoiding Aunty, Uncle, Ar and Aj so much that my parents became suspicious ( However, I would not tell them anything !)
In an year or so, we moved away from that apartment complex when Appa was transferred to a totally different city far away.
I was the HAPPIEST PERSON that day.
Years passed by and that old monster story remained inside, unsaid and unheard of.
I grew up and had my share of eve teasers, pinchers and gropers. I grew up to shout back at many of them too.
Here I am today – making a career, setting up a home, sharing life with a caring husband – happy and busy in my world.
But, none till yesterday knew this girl had a horrible story in her closet, the story that she never wanted to think about, the story she never wanted to recall.
I feel drained as I finish typing now…but in a weird way it feels good to have shared.
Nothing more to corrode me from within.
Note: When I finished telling the hubby yesterday, I said I need a closure to this story..a good ending. I could never forgive myself for letting the monster go, just like that. He comforted me in the best way possible and also made it clear that he has the same intensions as me. The ending will be good, he said, the evil will be punished.
We have agreed to act on it during our next trip to India. We are going to track him down. I don’t know what hubby’s plans are, but one thing is sure – we are going to go hard on him..so hard that he will never be able to play any ‘game’ with anyone in the future.
Wish us luck.