Finding courage..

…to do this post has been difficult. 

After posts from MadMomma, Chandu, SnS and others, I have been wanting to  add my voice to this shout against harassment.

I have my story..the story that has not been told out to anybody yet. No, not even my parents or the hubby.

But, every time I opened a page to type, my heart started pounding hard,  my hands sweat and I started shivering with rage..from inside and out.

Yesterday when I finally made up my mind and started recalling ‘that  incident’ with all details, I could not stop tears rolling down the eyes.

I had to shut down and go away for a while when hubby noticed and asked  what was wrong. I could not answer. He sensed something terrible and  insisted I tell instead of sitting silent with brimming eyes.

I finally confided to him ‘that incident’ which I never wanted to talk  about. Never wanted to think about.

I cried for long later..buried in his arms, sobbing profusely like a lost  child. More than 20 years now and I finally felt like I had let it out.

The hubby held me tight and didn’t let go for a long time. 

Feels much better today and am able to type this post, because I realize  I HAVE TO do this.. Let people read, let people  know, let people learn. I would be more than happy if this message gets  to at least one parent who will proactively make sure that his/her  little one is kept safe from those shameless insensitive bastards.

 
I must have been around 6 years old then. Just started school, if I  remember right. I was a very active kid – running and jumping around with  other kids in the apartment complex who aged anything from 4 to  14.Talking non stop and generally a mischief maker!

 
The apartment just below ours belonged to this family of 5 – Parents and  3 sons .The youngest of their sons, Aj, was my age and went to the same  school as me and we were sorta best friends. The eldest one of the sons,  Ar, was much older, in his 20’s, and treated me like his little  sister..taught me his karate steps and sometimes cool songs he had picked  from the movies. I generally liked those two and their parents – the aunty  who had no daughters and cared for me as one, the uncle  who had a serious stern face but spared me a smile whenever I came by.

 
The middle one of the sons, lets call him the ‘monster’ ( what else?),  was the only one whom I hated. REALLY HATED..actually for no reason at  all. He talked nicely, joked, offered to play games or just smiled wide at  me..but I never responded to that guy. Maybe, even at that small age, we are biologically trained to sense ‘danger’.

 
Anyways, it was one of those not-so-sunny days when all us kids of the complex played inside the building. Hide and seek, it was. When everyone else found their hiding place, I was still hurriedly looking to find the  best place..when the monster attacked..literally!

 
I recall him suddenly dragging me by my skinny arms into his house . I  recall being shocked and trying to wiggle out. I recall crying in pain  from the sudden stubborn dragging and from the helplessness. Nobody  saw..everyone was busy playing hide and seek.

 
Inside the house, I called out for aunty and then for uncle and then for  the Aj and Ar while still trying to wiggle out of that painful grip on the arms. No response. The house was empty, probably all the rest were  away.

 
He finally released my arms and shifted his tight grip on my mouth to shut my shouting. With threatening intensive look he asked me to stop. I did.

Then I meekly asked him why he pulled me inside? He said..he said, he wanted to  play a game, a new game..he would teach me how. 

I insisted I wanted to play  hide and seek outside with others instead…but nobody was listening.

 
As I stood bewildered after the shock and all the shouting, he smiled and  pulled down his pants. That seemed weird and I recall asking several  questions..none of which I can exactly remember now. But one thing I do  remember and very very clearly is that he got ‘that thing’ out of his underwear and started caressing it while talking and smiling at me all the  while. I remember becoming very curious and asking what that was? I had  never seen such a thing. I remember being told that I should try tasting  it and I would know. I remember doing that very hesitantly  and feeling  very nauseous soon after.

I said “I don’t want to play this game. I don’t like this. Let me go,  please?”

But, I was ordered to stay and play ..that horrible game. And I did, with  a nauseous feeling overwhelming me, with unknown fear wrapping me and  salty tears to accompany all the while.

When I was finally let out to go back home, I was warned not to tell this  game to anyone. It was a secret and would make Appa-Amma, Uncle-Aunty and  everyone else very angry if I said it out.

The days that followed are very hazy, except that –

I was dragged in by the monster to play that nauseous game at the most unsuspecting moments.

I felt very weak and helpless that I cried to myself in a  corner many times.

I went out to play lesser and lesser since I feared to walk past that house and get down to the street.

I found every chance to tell all other playmates, whenever  possible, to stay away from the monster because he was ‘bad’ ( I am proud I did that…at that tender age!), though I  could never explain why?

I started avoiding Aunty, Uncle, Ar and Aj so much that my  parents became suspicious ( However, I would not tell them anything !)

 
In an year or so, we moved away from that apartment complex when Appa was  transferred to a totally different city far away. 

I was the HAPPIEST PERSON that day.

 

Years passed by and that old monster story remained inside, unsaid and unheard of.

I grew up and had my share of eve teasers, pinchers and gropers. I grew up to shout back at many of them too.

Here I am today – making a career, setting up a home, sharing life with a caring husband – happy and busy in my world.

But, none till yesterday knew this girl had a horrible story in her closet, the story that she never wanted to think about, the story she  never wanted to recall.

 

I feel drained as I finish typing now…but in a weird way it feels good  to have shared.

Nothing more to corrode me from within.

 

Note: When I finished telling the hubby yesterday, I said I need  a closure to this story..a good ending. I could never forgive myself for  letting the monster go, just like that. He comforted me in the best way  possible and also made it clear that he has the same intensions as me. The  ending will be good, he said, the evil will be punished.

We have agreed to act on it during our next trip to India. We are going to  track him down. I don’t know what hubby’s plans are, but one thing is sure  – we are going to go hard on him..so hard that he will never be able to  play any ‘game’ with anyone in the future.

Wish us luck.

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39 Responses to Finding courage..

  1. snippetsnscribbles says:

    Oh dear…..oh….I just dont have words to express anything…..my hands are sweaty and I feel my stomach hurting strangely…….I’m feeling so terrible right now ……I dont know what to say………Wish I was there with you right now….Wish…

    God be with you as strength to deal with him! I pray for you both……..closure time it is though late!

  2. Hi came here through SnippetsandScribbles…I’m really sorry that you had to go through this. Hugs. Hope you get your closure, really

  3. DewdropDream says:

    I hope you hunt the bastard down and give him his just desserts.

  4. Devaki says:

    I hope you and your husband find and confront him… before all his family if possible. This story needs closure.

    And you are a brave brave woman.

  5. i love lucy says:

    Came here via SnS.
    I am so sorry you had to go through something that terrible as a child.And I truly hope you get the closure that you are looking for.
    We are all with you.

  6. Appi says:

    You are a really strong woman.
    I wish you all the luck to find that horrid person and punish him.

  7. SnS : Would have been comforting to have a friend around when I was breaking down, but your words here said it all.. Thank you so very much!

    Yes, it IS late for the closure I deserve..but better late than never!

    ———–
    GoodDaySunshine : Thank you for stopping by and for the comforting words * Hugs Back*

    ———–

    DewDropDream: I WILL. ABSOLUTELY.

    ———–

    Devaki : Yes, that’s one of the ideas.

    Thank you dear, though I will not call myself ‘brave’ ..not yet.

    ———-

    ILoveLucy : Hi and nice to see you here. I read you very often and you are one among those who inspired me to write this post!
    Thank you for your kind words.

    ———-

    Appi : Thanks for the wishes, very much need that.

  8. Gnightgirl says:

    I read this morning, and marked it to re-read, and comment when I had time to reflect…and then I wore the post, all day.

    I’m glad you wrote this. I’m glad you wrote it for YOU, and I’m glad you wrote it for US.

    I really do believe that you empower yourself when you speak out against your oppressors. You take some of their power away by calling them out, and you EMpower the rest of us that haven’t found the courage to tell our stories.

    I come from a generation in which these things were “unspoken.” Everyone just “knew” who to stay away from at the family reunions. I think that when these predators begin to fear strong women that say NO, and know that we will call them on it, we will EXPOSE them…well, if they fear us for only a second, then someone may be saved.

    God. You were just a little girl, and that guy…God knows how many he got to.

    He’ll pay.

    You rock.

  9. Deepa says:

    I hope you castrate that fucking bastard and feed his dick to dogs! I am so angry and sad reading your post, I literally had tears at the end of this post. Hugs to you!

    Deepa

  10. Velapokam says:

    Sometimes you don’t know the person but you feel the pain. My head is already conjuring up ways to torture him.
    Hope you nail the bastard.

  11. GNightGirl : Thank you for that beautiful comment dear friend. You have no idea how much better your words made me feel !

    Yes, he’ll pay. Will make him pay.
    ———-
    Deepa: Ah, believe me I want to do that..literally! But, the real world and sense wouldn’t allow me to. Will try to do my best in finding the perfect closure anyways.

    Thanks!
    ———–
    Velapokam : I hope I will too.
    Thanks for the shared sentiment..
    ———–

  12. sraikh says:

    I have 2 girls one is 9 and the other 6 and the thought of some sick bastard doing this to a 6 yr old child is just horrifying.

    I hope that you continue to heal and that you mange to track that bastard down.

    big hugs.

    PS:Where in CA are you? I just moved to the Bay Area.

  13. Childwoman says:

    What a bastard..when you track him down, make his life so miserable that he should repent on being born..

  14. tearsndreams says:

    I don’t words to describe how you made me feel. I have empathized with the person telling a harassment story many a times before but this time reading it, I was the mother. Mother of a 6 year old. I wish I could track him down and murder him.

    Its just so depressing to know that your children aren’t even safe with the ones that you know.

    Hugs to you!

  15. Divya says:

    I read a lot of posts on this, but I am positively scared and shocked by this one. I really hope you track the sicko down and give him his due, I dont know what that would be, but seriously.

  16. rajk says:

    Hi. I read the similar posts by others recently. In the beginning of yours, I thought you were over-reacting to the kind of abuse that most Indian girls go through (not that that makes it ok) but when I read through the whole thing…I have nothing but respect and admiration for you and disgust for that pathetic person. I had heard about things like this but to hear it in first person….my God!
    I hope you get to do what you and your wonderful hubby wish to do…but you know what, I’d bet my life that your life is way happier and richer than that monster’s ever was or will be…
    Best wishes…and good luck!

  17. Silvara says:

    Hey…I can’t believe I haven’t commented as yet – this post made me mad and tearful at the same time.

    This shouldn’t be part of ‘growing up’ or part of an Indian’s woman life. It’s horrible.

    I hope you give him what’s coming to him!

  18. Sraikh : Oh, I wish your little girls a happy and safe environment always!
    A intuitive parent who senses and keeps them from danger will do lot good.

    *hugs back*

    I am in the Bay Area too 🙂
    ——–

    Childwoman : Yes, I hope I will!
    ——–

    TearsnDreams : I am glad the point hit home. Even when your little one is around known reliable people, you need to alert about your kid’s safety. I wish your 6 year old all the happiness and safety always.

    Thanks for the hugs.
    ——–
    Diya – Right. I hope so too..from the bottom of my heart.
    I’ll remember all words from you wonderful people when the right time comes and that is sure going to give me multitudes of courage.
    ——–

    Rajk : I say there is nothing called ‘over reacting’ in this matter.
    Indian or any nationality, every lady has a right to react her way when her dignity/self respect is at stake…in any way!

    Your words of support were really touching. Thanks very much.
    ——–

    Silvara : Totally agree. No girl/woman needs to go through this kinda sh*t as part of growing up.

    I hope I will give him what he is worth..I really do.

  19. ART says:

    Disgusting guy! Shud be castrated! Gosh how can he do something like that…I have a daughter and it I am scared of such that roam the earth! I am mad…my throat went dry.

    I am sorry that you had to go through that!

  20. tearsndreams says:

    Hi,
    I don’t have a 6 year old. I just felt all motherly reading it, that’s all I was trying to say. You know how you identify with the victims sometimes. This post I didn’t identify with you. All I thought was what would I do if someone did that to my child.
    My daughter is 2 and a half 🙂

  21. La Vida Loca says:

    O sweetie! O my god! what a monster.
    Big tight hugs for you. You are not alone…this is my story
    http://commicacid.blogspot.com/2008/11/whats-harassement-for-me-is-what-her.html

    We are there for you.

  22. Chandni : Thank you!
    ———–
    ART : Thanks for the kind words. I Wish all the safety and happiness to your daughter.
    ———–
    TearsnDreams : Oh, I understand 🙂
    ———–
    La Vida Loca : Thanks much for the hugs dear! Whan I looked at your link, I realized I had been there blog hopping through others and had read that post. You are one of the many who inspired me to speak up and share here.

    And thanks for linking up 🙂

  23. Never Mind says:

    Congratulations on finding the courage to do this. I still have my story hidden in my closet. Not sure what I am waiting for. Yeah, the incident does need closure. I have been thinking about confronting the “monster” in my story when I go to India next in front of his wife and his children to see how it feels.

  24. Ersa says:

    I was shaking as I read the post. What a disgusting b******…

    I want to wish you all the luck to find the monster to get a closure… Maybe I’m late here, but still

    Many many hugs…

  25. desert says:

    I hope and pray that you’ve found the closure you wanted. And that your husband has beat him to a pulp along with a few broken bones.
    And also wanted to thank you for writing this. Your courage is truly great. With reading this story I am sure a little child’s mother or father were more careful and saved her from going through what you did. Thanks again for posting this.

  26. Durga says:

    did u find him on your trip?

  27. lalitha says:

    I am glad you that you were able to conquer your monsters and share it with your husband. I do not know you and I am not being judgmental about your pain but I battle this pain and will probably till I die because the molester was a relative and I have to keep running into him every time I go home. I wish we are able to talk about this more openly and parents are aware of the malady.
    ————–
    Me: Hi Laitha. Glad you posted this comment.

    It took me so many years and mountainous amount of courage to finally talk about it to my husband and then parents too. They were supportive and appalled why I didn’t tell them earlier. I couldn’t answer that .

    I understand your situation and the reason to keep it a secret forever. But, please remember that by doing so, you are letting down your self respect by means of allowing that monster roam about respectfully among your people to this date. Don’t intend to make you feel down…just want to lend my support and insist that you start building courage to speak out, at least to immediate family. You will not just relieve yourself of the burden but also will be helping other little kids/cousins by doing so.

  28. MJ says:

    I am so sorry you had to go through this terrible experience. It is unfortunate that so many women have similar incidents in India. On my recent visit to India I went to a tailor, who on the pretext of helping me try on the clothes proceeded to fix my bra and stick his hand inside my shirt everytime my back was turned to my mother who was in the store with me. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was normal and giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. Even though I am in my 20s, I have never faced anything like this before. So when the guy said that we had to go to a different room that wasn’t carpeted so he could take proper measurements, I complied. And in that room he proceeded to touch me more, inside my shirt and everywhere else on the pretext of taking measurements. I was shocked and stood stupefied by his actions, trying to understand what was going on. After what seemed like an eternity, I came back to my senses, and grabbed his hand and asked him to stop. He stopped right away and I stormed out of the room after fixing my clothes. I came home and cried for hours, but never uttered a word to my mother. I blame myself for letting him touch me, for somehow inviting his actions by wearing a sleeveless shirt, and for not screaming. I hate to think that something like this happens to women all the time. Yet I have not found the courage to talk about this to my mother, sister, or other relatives and friends. I wish I could tell them and warn them, but I fear that they will blame me for being so naive and innocent. Thank you for posting this and giving me courage.

  29. sghosh007 says:

    I know I shouldn’t bring back all those sick memories now that you are in such happy times. But would like to share my experiences too,with you and fellow bloggers. It’s absolutely nothing,compared to your ordeal.But it does shed a little bit of light on how people who’re supposed to support us in trying times,often turn back and blame us for things we didn’t do.

    Do skip reading if the memories rush back and hurt you.I mean,of course it will.But I do feel like sharing it with you.

  30. daisy says:

    Hi AHK,
    I blog hopped from MM’s blog and have been reading your archives.. I was so happy reading your posts cos your life and mine and so similar.Little baby girl born in feb 2010- ditto. Married to HD , my best friend and I am a mush pot at times- ditto. more and more similarities..

    and then I read this- so sorry you had to go through this <>..I hope you did find closure.

  31. Neha says:

    Hello,

    I came over from MM’s blog and found your blog very interesting. I was looking at your archives and found this post. I felt all shaken up and really really angry with that monster and felt so bad that you had such a horrible experience. I am in so awe of your courage. And I am happy that this is out of your system. Thank you for being so brave and setting an example. I hope found the closure, but even if not you have raised the awareness!

  32. Pingback: To Sum it up -5 « CSA Awareness Month

  33. Writerzblock says:

    I clicked ‘Like’ on this post, because I finally see one story where both the survivor and her spouse are going to hit out at the bas***d abuser. I cried while read this, AHK. I cannot imagine some a$$h0le would do this to a 6-yr child. So disgusting. Congrats on finding the courage to write about this. And God bless you, for having such an understanding and caring husband, who is going to screw the life of that bas***d. All the VERY BEST!!!!!

  34. R's Mom says:

    CAme here from CSA website…you are absolutely great…am so glad that you could actually take this off your chest and share it…and you know whats the best part of your post..that you and hubby are ready to go and fight the monster…hugs to you dear!

  35. JLT says:

    OMG! 6 yrs old! What a bastard he was. I hope you find him and make him pay for what he did to you. Hugs!

  36. dipali says:

    The world is so full of sickos. I’m glad you shared your story with your husband and were able to get a lot of comfort, and partial closure. Do let us readers know if you manage to locate and confront that creep.
    Big hugs.

  37. All the best for your confrontation. And hugs for sharing.

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