Lost..

I am bleeding my baby into a sanitary pad..as I type..

It does not seem to stop.

But my tears have stopped. I am unable to cry anymore.

My eyes hurt..and so does the tummy..empty now.

They said it was nature’s way of getting rid of an imperfect conception. They said it’s not uncommon.They said I will be alright soon.They said all happens for good.

I hear them, but nothing makes sense.

All of you wonderful people who wished me well, I am so thankful to every one of you.

I am sorry…sorry that it ended like this..sorry that I could not help it..sorry that I was too happy too soon..sorry that I lost something even before having it..

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30 Responses to Lost..

  1. silvara says:

    No……

    I can’t believe this….:(

    Fuck – I’m in a meeting room typing this and my eyes keep tearing up. My colleague is giving me a weird look but I don’t care. My heart aches for you and I’m SO so sorry it ended like this….

    Don’t feel guilty for being happy – there is no ‘too soon’. We can’t contain our feelings in….

    I know you will hear these words of support from everyone around you and not care but please remember that we all do truly care for you. We’re here…ok?

    *Lots and lots of hugs*

  2. Shilpa says:

    Time is the biggest healer….trust me babez…and I dun have anymore words…juss a real WARM HUG…!

  3. Ersa says:

    It hurts to even read this, so I can’t even imagine what you must be going through dear. I’m so so so very sorry it had to be this way. 😦

    Take care, please.

    Lots of love and hugs…

  4. La Vida Loca says:

    I dont know what to say….
    I just want to give you the tightest hug I can.
    *big tight hugs*

    My love and prayers are always with you.

  5. sraikh says:

    To say I’m sorry is such a worthless thing.I hope you take care of yourself and find some solace in your dh’s arms.

  6. i love lucy says:

    I am so very sorry…
    I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel and what you are going through.
    They say that the human body knows best.Please don’t beat yourself up by trying to figure out what went wrong because there usually isn’t anything.It was just one of those really unfortunate incidents and I am so sorry you had to go through it.
    Take care of yourself and your health.
    Lots of love..

  7. Never Mind says:

    Really very sorry to hear this AHK. Its amazing how much you can bond even with the unborn child. But, please take care of yourself.

  8. Dee says:

    I wanna just wrap my arms around you and hug you till u say STOP..

    This not the end hon, its just the beginning..Please stay focussed on urself, be healthy and stay positive.. Your last 3 posts shows hw much your meant to be a mom and how sweet and loving mother u will be.. You deserve it more than you know..

    Loads of love from me!!

  9. Childwoman says:

    I am so so sorry..I am so so sorry that it happened. I was in tears when I read the post. Please be strong. YOu will get through this. YOu need to take of yourself so that you can be healthy mum of healthy kids. Please dont feel guilty. I am honoured that you shared your happiness and tears with us. Although we cannot be with you in real world, please know that our prayers and hugs are with you always. Please be positive. And take care of yourself…

    All my love

    CW

  10. DewdropDream says:

    NO!

    I am SO sorry to hear that dear 😦 There’s nothing else I can say really… *hug*

  11. Gnightgirl says:

    I’m so sorry, honey. This happened to me, 20 years or so ago, and I know it’s so, so hard. Cry it all out, and remember what the doctors told you: these things happen, and nothing you did caused this.

    You hang in there, and darling, I hope that you are always “too happy too soon,” you are a joy.

    Big hug, big, big hug.

  12. AW says:

    Can’t say how sorry I am to hear this. Hugs to you. May God give you strength to bear this.

  13. tearsndreams says:

    You’ll be okay.
    This too shall pass.

    Hugs

  14. tearsndreams says:

    I was looking for your email id but cant find it here. I wanted to tell you that this is really common. A lot of people go through it without even knowing what happened. No, it won’t do anything to mitigate your loss except may be give you strength in the knowledge that a lot of people who are happy today went through this.

    Take care

  15. karuna Rao says:

    I don’t know what to say..,I will pray that you have the strength to face this situation. I saw my sister go through this twice, I can feel your pain.
    ((Hugs))

    Karuna

  16. Anu says:

    Dear AHK,

    I dont know you, but it does not matter. I can’t stop myself from typing this. May God be with you, today and always. There will be a next time and definitely a happier one!
    Take care!

    -Anu

  17. Dee says:

    Hey sweetie pie.. Just popped in to check on you…I hope your doing fine..

    Take care and shoot a mail if & when you feel like talking to someone..

    Hugs.. and loads of love..

  18. To say “Thank You” would be just too little. Every single comment here meant support and strength for me to bounce back.

    A few good words can play wonders..and you all have no idea how much better it made me feel.

    I have got back to office work and keeping myself busy/distracted. Though it’s hard to smile heartily right away, I do succeed when I try.

    H has got a big stack of old Charlie Chaplin movies from the library and we watch one every evening. Feels good to laugh hard.

    It’s not so dark anymore..I know the sun will shine bright..very soon πŸ™‚

  19. jottingsnmusings says:

    Good to see you smiling again AHK.

  20. SIG says:

    Thank you for your comment. I see that it must have taken some strength for you to be on my journal at all, leave alone comment on it.

    I am so sorry about this. I held my still born 6 month son in January 2008, and I have some idea of devastating a loss it is.

    Tell yourself as much as you can that this was at it was meant to be and that there is a grand plan somewhere. It helped me and eventually it felt right inside too.

    ——————————-
    Me : Hi ! Happy to see you here.
    I don’t know what you are saying girl, I absolutely love your journal. Have been following it for long but never commented. You have a stunning way with words, very unique and very smart πŸ™‚

    I did not know how to respond when I read about your loss. My heart went out to you.. But I see that things do turn around and there’s a happy ending after all. Now, you are one example of perfect hope for me! Thanks a lot for the kind words

  21. chandni says:

    I am so so so sorry love.

    I don’t know what to say, but I do want you to know that so many of us, we’re all here for you.

    Hugs.

    Be strong please.

  22. * Hugs*

    ——-
    Me: Thank you {{Hugs back}}

  23. SMM says:

    I came over after reading your comment on MM’s blog. Though not a mother yet myself, I can feel your pain as you typed this. Words fail me as I write this. I lost my brother when I was 16 and he was 20 in an accident, and I see my mother’s pain always.

    Please be strong.
    ———
    Me: Thanks for coming over and leaving your kind words, means a lot SMM. I can never ever imagine your mother’s pain. God bless his soul. {{Hugs}} to you..

  24. paisaformythoughts says:

    So so very sorry…hope you’re doing ok…take as much time as you need…and remember it’s ok to think and talk and blog abt your baby whenever you want:) He or she did exist.

    Hugs.
    ——————

    Me: That last line brought me tears. Thank you for your sincere words..Yes, it’s ok to think/talk about it. Not sure why I try to do exactly the opposite though 😦

  25. Bhavna says:

    Hi there, arrived from MM’s blog. Stay strong…times will change.

    ————-
    Me: Hi Bhavna, welcome here. Thank you for the kind words…I am doing much better than a few weeks back.
    Moving on is not easy, but definitely possible it seems

  26. Blog-hopped here from Devaki’s post. Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through this. I know how painful it muct have been because I have gone through it myself. Glad to see you’re trying to stay positive – stay strong and you’ll surely have your wish.

    Also, I know it’s sometimes tough to talk/write about pain, specially when the wounds are fresh. Give it some time and talk/blog about your feelings when you feel like it – it’s cathartic and will lessen some of the pain. Lots of hugs.

  27. Mads says:

    Hi, came over from Chandni’s.. And as my usual norm started reading right from your first post. I could sense your excitement when you disclosed the news… I feel extremely sorry for your loss, my eyes welled up when I read this post.. Don’t worry lady, lots of good wishes and prayers are being sent your way!! This too shall pass, please stay strong!!

  28. SS says:

    Things will be ok, darling. Have faith. It happened to me too and it was sooo shattering. But then, soon I conceived again and went on to have a normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery. My baby boy is all of 2 now.
    You’ll have a happy, healthy baby someday too. Be happy and keep the faith.

  29. Pingback: The News « Rendezvous with my self..

  30. Sonia says:

    Hey, Tears and dreams had referred me to your website. I just had a miscarriage yesterday, it feels good to know that you are happily pregnant now, I am projecting myself in the future with a happy healthy pregnancy…
    ————
    Me: Very very sorry for the pains you went through dear…Just read your blog and see that you are dealing the whole thing with so much strength and calm.

    Be sure that this loss is not the end of world…I am one example too! Dream of a healthy pregnancy..and a happy little full term baby. God bless! πŸ™‚

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